Author Archives: thevadge

Justin Bieber Might Be Charged With Battery, Will Still Get Off Scot-Free

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Power 96.1's Jingle Ball 2012 - Press Room

A while back, Justin Bieber spit in his neighbor’s face and threatened to kill him because he’s an entitled little twit. Nobody expected anything to come of it because he’s a celebrity in LA, and they can pretty much roam the streets using civilians for target practice and get away with it. But according to TMZ, this time will be different, this time there will be consequences for a celebrity’s reckless behavior! But not really.

The L.A. County Sheriff’s Dept. investigated the case and sent the file to the D.A. Tuesday.  Law enforcement sources tell TMZ, Sheriff’s investigators are urging prosecutors to charge the singer with battery.  We’re told cops don’t think Bieber should go to jail, but he needs serious counseling because of his repeated and escalating bad behavior.
Law enforcement sources tell us Sheriff’s investigators are worried that Bieber is either going to “get his ass kicked” or “someone’s gonna get a $2 million payday” unless the singer changes his tune.

So the L.A. County Sheriff is ‘worried’ someone might finally kick the shit out of Justin like he totally deserves, or hold him financially responsible for his reckless behavior? Shouldn’t they be worried about more important things, like oh say, terrorists detonating a nuke or the next mass shooting at a mall where the Kardashians are introducing a new line of clothing/perfume/douches? (Not that I’ve considered it.) In fact, I think Justin Bieber getting his ass kicked might be at the top of the list of ‘Things People Would Pay Good Money to See,’ right behind Farrah Abraham doing anal apparently.

Image:Fame/Flynet

Lauryn Hill is a Slave to Modern Economics

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Lauryn Hill has been sentenced to three months in federal prison for failing to pay income taxes on the 1.8 million she earned from 2005-2007, but it’s not her fault you guys! Her ancestors were slaves. Her words, not mine. From TMZ:

The 37-year-old former Fugee pled guilty last year to three counts of tax evasion for failing to file returns on $1.8 million she earned from 2005 to 2007. Lauryn’s attorney asked for mercy because of her charity work and 6 kids … but the judge wasn’t buying it. During the hearing, the judge ordered Hill to report to prison by July 8. It’s unclear where Hill will serve her time.

Hill was present during the hearing, and delivered a statement to the judge in which she compared her situation to slavery.

“I was put into a system I didn’t know the nature of. … I’m a child of former slaves. I got into an economic paradigm and had that imposed on me,” Hill said.  She continued, “I sold 50 million units … now I’m up here paying a tax debt. If that’s not likened to slavery, I don’t know what is.”

In her defense I will point out that both she and black actor Wesley Snipe have both been handed jail sentences for tax evasion, while Lindsay Lohan still owes about $250,000 in federal back taxes, but blaming it on slavery is pretty ballsy. Even if she is the child of former slaves she still managed to become a world-famous musician and make millions of dollars for herself. I’m the child of a chain-smoking midget and a failed cult leader, you don’t see me using that as an excuse for why I’m lying on the floor wearing a soiled sheet surrounded by Dorito crumbs at noon. We make our own destinies.

Image:By Daigo Oliva from São Paulo, Brasil (lauryn hill) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D

Lindsey Vonn Has Shamed Her Family

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Lindsay Vonn attended the Delete Blood Cancer Gala in NYC last night *gasp* ALONE! A woman walking the streets unescorted by her husband or male relative? Stone her!

Lindsey told E! News she was alone because Tiger Woods was ‘practicing’ for the Players Championship next week. Naturally, everyone just assumed they’ve split up, but I like to think there’s a more romantic reason for his absence: He was too  busy getting rimmed by a Filipino transsexual.

Amanda Bynes Business as Usual

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Conflicting reports suggest that the police may have been called to Amanda Bynes NYC home after she made suicide threats to her/a publicist. It’s nice to see those kinds of things are still taken seriously. These days, when I stick my head in the oven my husband asks if that’s really what we’re having for dinner. I’ll do it this time I swear!

Amanda got into a twitter fight and then quickly made up with Jenny McCarthy after she repeated via Twitter that the police had been called to Amanda’s home. The original tweet came from Jonathan Jaxson, a self-described “Publicist/Manager/Marketing/Consulting/God Fearing/Realtor” who has been helping Amanda with her public image. Are you still following all this? Then you’re stupid.

Jonathan Jaxson told Radar Online:

“Amanda had called me and we had a private conversation, but it was clear to me that she was high on drugs.

Then, she said that she didn’t want to live anymore. I took that as that she wanted to kill herself. I freaked out.”

Jaxson said he immediately called the New York Police Department and tweeted at their handle that the 27-year-old ex-Nickelodeon star was “soooo messed up on drugs”, knowing that officers would then perform a welfare check.

Police have not said if they attended Bynes’ apartment, but Jaxson told RadarOnline.com he later received a call from an officer explaining that Bynes “was fine”.

All this does is prove to me that Twitter really is the playground for our most idiotic members of society, at least it keeps them off the streets. Did this guy really tweet to the NYPD to go help Amanda? Did he do that right after sending out a picture of his Kung Pao Chicken he was about to eat? But what I find most unbelievable about all of this is that Amanda Bynes has a publicist. What has this guy been doing as his client self-implodes on Twitter while wandering the streets of New York talking to the parking meters? She would be better off hiring the person representing Dzhokhar Tsarnaev.

Surprise! Lindsay Didn’t go to Rehab

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Update 11:30am: Nevermind, instead she’s shopping at Fry’s electronics. I didn’t know they sold blow there.

Update: Lindsay has checked into Morningside Recovery in  Newport Beach; Disregard that headline.

Because everyone knows rehab has become sooo commercialized and it’s really all about how you look and who you meet rather than dealing with the problems that have sent your life into a death spiral, here’s a photo Lindsay Lohan posted of herself on Instagram packing for her stint in rehab with the caption “90 days and 270 looks.” Which works out to three outfit changes a day, but who cares as long as you’re there to beat your demons. Except instead checking into the court-approved Seafield Center in New York this morning like she was supposed to, Lindsay hopped a private jet to LA where I presume that now that she’s packed everything she owns she’s off  to North Korea to begin a torrid affair with Kim Jong Un. From TMZ:

Lindsay was freaked out because Seafield won’t allow her to smoke.  We’re told she may be headed for Morningside Recovery in Newport Beach, CA … which does allow smoking. Problem is  prosecutors did NOT sign off on Morningside.  What’s more we’ve learned NO ONE from Lindsay’s camp has contacted either the L.A. City Attorney or the Santa Monica City Attorney to get the change of plans approved. In short, by not entering Seafield Lindsay has violated her plea deal. 

Lindsay’s lawyers are expected in court this morning to provide proof that Lindsay checked into the Seafield Center. I’m sure once they explain that Lindsay decided not to go to court-ordered treatment because she couldn’t smoke cigarettes, everyone will have a good laugh, then they’ll hand Lindsay the keys to the city, a bag of blow and a new car with an automatic rifle attached to the hood. That Lindsay, she’s just so darn charming!

Catherine Zeta-Jones is Still a Little Crazy

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File:Catherine Zeta-Jones Michael Douglas 2012 Shankbone.jpg

Catherine Zeta Jones has voluntarily checked herself into a treatment facility for her bi-polar disorder, and will complete a 30-day program; this will be the second time Catherine has sought help for the disorder. Good I say, good for her. While I believe addressing mental health issues is important, it’s not for everyone. Some of us would prefer to deal with our problems by having sex with strangers in the back seat of buses and hoarding cats until we’re buried to our eyebrows in feces and hairballs. It’s a personal choice.

So go ahead and enjoy your expensive ‘treatment,’ Catherine. You have your way of doing things and I have mine.

Image:By David Shankbone (Own work) via Wikimedia Commons

Farrah Abraham Reaches Sex Tape Settlement; Does Anal

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The sex-tape-that’s-really-a-porno starring Farrah Abraham that no one’s really anticipating but we’ve all been having a good time making fun of Farrah in the process, has finally obtained the proper releases (ie. Farrah’s holdout signature) and will be released upon the world to take its rightful place amongst other wannabe celebrity sex tapes: somewhere below the Chyna sex tape but slightly above the Toastee from Flavor of Love sex tape.

The 70-minutes film will be released as Farrah Superstar: Back Door Teen Mom, so uh, I’m guessing there’s anal involved here. Which is good, you can’t just wiggle your toes in the sordid pool of porn creation, you have to dive in head first, covering your body in the sticky Santorum of desperation and easy money.

Despite asking for $2 million dollars from Vivid for the release of her tape, Farrah reportedly settled for somewhere in the high six-figures, which is still too much. If they had just held out for a few more months she would have settled for $200 worth of groceries and a childcare voucher. Image: Twitter_@F1Abraham