Meet Vito Vincent, actor, model and occasional butt-hole licker. Vito is a rising star in the animal talent business, appearing on the “Colbert Report,” “30 Rock,” and even a Macy’s TV commercial. But fame may be going to his head, Vito was recently fired from the role of “Cat” in the Broadway production of “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” due to his diva demands which included his own car and driver as well as limiting himself to only eight shows per week. Which seems reasonable, how’s he going to find time to lounge around in quiet condescension with such a demanding performance schedule?

          What Vito forgot is that fame is a cut-throat business and there’s always some bitch waiting in the wings who’s thinner than you and willing to blow whoever it takes to get to the top. Vito was promptly replaced by his understudy, a young upstart named Chessie, who I’m told gives way better scratches.

Careful Vito, it’s a short road to waking up in Brazil in a pile of catnip wearing a bad red weave and no memory of the past three weeks.

Above: Ryan Lochte doing the same thing Kim Kardashian did to get rich and famous, but with less fluid.

Somebody give Ray J a glass of water and tell him to get primed. Ryan Lochte’s new reality show on E! premieres April 21^st and he’s sat down for a photoshoot with the Hollywood Reporter where he expresses his desire to emulate the network’s other semi-retarded, yet somehow wildly-successful reality star, Kim Kardashian.

“Kim started from pretty much nothing, and now everyone everywhere knows who she is,” he says. “That’s what I want to do…I’ve seen what E! has done in the past with reality shows like hers,” he says admiringly of his now network co-star, whom he has not yet met. “Today, she’s huge.”

I’m not sure if he meant that last sentence  figuratively or literally, but poor Ryan’s gonna have some big shoes to fills. He’s only famous because he has a head as rock-hard as his abs and  because  he trained for years to be in peak physical condition to compete against the World’s greatest athletes and win gold at the 2012 Olympics. Kim Kardashian had sex. On camera. Not just anybody can do that. It takes practice dammit! And a soulless mother willing to market it.

A few months ago, Courtney Stodden’s mom went on TV to say her daughter would never do porn, which I’m pretty sure is what every young girl’s mom hopes at one point, except for Kris Jenner, “My baby girl was born to take a load in the face!” she said, rubbing her hands together greedily.

What Courtney’s mom meant, was that her daughter would only do porn if it was tasteful. After turning down “Barely Legal Gangbangs” and “Teen Sluts Bang Old Dudes,” Courtney has finally found a publication in which to expose herself. A magazine classy enough to know her Miss Piggy wig and enormous fake tits can only be expressed as a work of art. A magazine  that understands Courtney has chosen them for her nude debut because Playboy, Hustler and Penthouse turned her down.

I present to you Courtney Stodden on the cover of Girls and Corpses magazine, try figuring out which one is supposed to be the corpse! I know you’re  all are going to click the shit out of these images trying to get rid of the black box, but Girls and Corpses is keeping a tight lid on the NSFW images, so good luck.