Lindsay Lohan’s voice sounds like one of Marge Simpson’s sisters, so I’m not sure what to make of this offer from famed New York strip club Scores to pay Lindsay’s storage bill and rent in exchange for her serving as an online video chat host for its website, no nudity required.
Am I missing something? Does the word ‘chat’ mean something different now? Because right now all Lindsay has going for her is tits.
Image: Fame Flynet
Will prefer jail after first date
A 24-year-old man was arrested for trespassing at Taylor Swift’s Nashville home early Friday morning after taking a bus from Wisconsin to be with the singer
According to TMZ, Jacob Kulke was arrested at 1:45 AM after allegedly hopping a fence at the property. Kulke was detained by security and when police arrived, he told them he was Swift’s boyfriend.
According to reports, Kulke told police he had been in contact with someone at the home via social media and he came to town to celebrate Swift’s birthday (which was Thursday).
First of all, how are we to know this guy isn’t Swift’s boyfriend? Second, if he’s not currently her boyfriend, I’m willing to wager that he might be in the near future. Third, quit being such an uppity cunt Taylor. This guy took a bus. From Wisconsin. Just to be with you on your stupid birthday, and you had him arrested. I just wrote the first three lines of your next hit song. Fourth, the great thing about stalkers is they’ll likely never leave you, although with Taylor that’s still kind of iffy.
Image:By Marcin Wichary from San Francisco, U.S.A. Uploaded by MyCanon (Taylor Swift) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons
Sean Penn is a whiny little bitch. Dlisted
“It’s my constitutional right to fuck this donkey”’ said this guy. HuffingtonPost
Liam Hemsworth beat up some random guy, reminding Miley why she fell in love with him in the first place. TMZ
Just when you thought Jennifer Aniston couldn’t be any more stiff and plastic looking. TheSuperficial
Image:Rhughes2270 at en.wikipedia
Above: Justin Bieber posing like a little bitch.
Justin Bieber attended the Power 96.1 Jingle Ball last night looking like this. Which makes me wonder why this is the first and only murder plot I’ve heard about.
Schemes hatched in prison are usually the best laid out, because the incarcerated have plenty of time to plot out the minutest detail, and they know how to make wine in a toilet, which seems pretty smart to me. So I’m surprised and terribly disappointed this didn’t work out.
Dana Martin, a convicted killer serving two life sentences for raping and killing a 15-year-old girl in Vermont, and a very persuasive speaker, convinced fellow prisoner Mark Staake to carry out a few murders for him. You know, just a few people who slighted him in the past, and oh yeah, Justin Bieber.
Once Staake was released from prison he recruited his even more suggestible nephew, Tanner Ruane, to help carry out the murder spree. Martin had given the men specific instructions on how to carry out the killings: Bieber and his bodyguard were to be castrated and strangled with a paisley tie. Ugh, oh my God, that’s disgusting! I fucking hate paisley!
Martin, who is obsessed with Bieber and has a tattoo of him on his leg, had a change of heart, and in a race against time, told authorities about the plot before any harm could be done to Canada’s biggest load of vaginal discharge since Avril Lavigne. The End.
Indian sitarist guru and rock legend Ravi Shankar passed away at a hospital in San Diego this morning. He was 92. Shankar was known for his raging sex drive, throngs of groupies and drug-fueled orgies.
Shankar is known for popularizing the sitar, a traditional Indian stringed instrument and played with some of the top rock musicians of his era. He played a four-hour set at the Monterey Pop Festival as well as the opening day of Woodstock.
“Ravi could party like no one else,” said fellow musician Allauddin Khan. “I remember this one time, Rav and I were holed up in Bangkok doing speedballs and he thought it would be fun to get an escort and snort lines out of her ass, so we called a service and this woman came to the room, but I’m pretty sure she was actually a dude. Anyway, Rav wore that tranny’s ass like a ski-mask, he almost suffocated. It was hilarious!”
Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh also confirmed Shankar’s death calling him a “national treasure,” before adding “except for that time he took off his pants at Gandhi’s funeral and said ‘I got your salt tax right here’ while grabbing his testicles, I think he was on PCP, not cool dude.”
Shankar skyrocketed to stardom in the 1960s after developing a friendship with Beatles guitarist George Harrison, who branded him “the godfather of world music”. The pair spent months together, with Ravi giving Harrison sitar lessons at his English home. The two shared a houseboat in Kashmir and later moved to California where they smoked copious amounts of hash and dropped acid while engaging in group sex.
“Ravi was more George’s (Harrison) pet,” recalled Beatles bassist Paul McCartney, “I’m pretty sure they were an ‘item’ at one point if you know what I mean. But we partied together a few times, and man did the ladies love him.”
“They were always throwing their knickers at him while he played, and Ravi would grab those things like some kind of crazed animal, take a big whiff and then wear them on his head for the rest of the evening. It was wild!” said Mc Cartney.
Aside from the sitar, Shankar is also known for popularizing auto-erotic asphyxiation and emetophilia. He is survived by two daughters, sitar player Anoushka Shankar and Grammy-winning singer Norah Jones.
*Disclaimer: This obituary is hyperbole and not even remotely based in reality.
Image:By Ravi Shankar 2009.jpg: Alexandra Ignatenko derivative work: Hekerui (Ravi Shankar 2009.jpg)
I don’t have testicles, but if I did they would have shriveled up into little purple raisins and hidden themselves in the darkest recesses of my taint after Nick Cannon told Howard Stern that he and Mariah Carey have sex to her music and that he wanks to ‘Hero’ when she’s not around. I’m sure during the interview Mariah had a shock buzzer attached to Nick’s nutsack as she sat in the greenroom listening and saying, ‘that’s right, you’re MY bitch.”
And I thought getting off to Cat Porn (SFW) was weird. Turns out, I’m comparatively normal.
Mario Lopez ruined Christmas for everyone on Twitter. (above)
You shall not metastasize! Ian McKellan has prostate cancer. People
Anne Hathaway channels Aeon Flux in crotchless panties and a dominatrix knee-brace. Dlisted
Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly hate musical theatre anymore, the Spice Girls premiere Viva Forever. JustJared
Charlie Sheen’s still waiting for that blow-job, Lindsay. PageSix
thevadge.com 