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I can think of numerous reasons James Franco is one of the biggest, most pretentious, smug douchebags in the universe, and that was before I knew he wrote poetry too. Yahoo! News asked Franco to write a poem for the presidential inauguration, and you know James Franco couldn’t turn down a chance to show the president how amazingly talented James Franco is. For this poem alone I’m nominating James Franco for Douche of the Year 2013.

Most people, even celebrities would probably turn down an offer to write a poem for the president because it’s kind of a big deal and there’s a lot of potential for embarrassment, especially if you’re just some actor and not a particularly good actor, or writer for that matter. But not James Franco! And even though his word vomit would make Charles Bukowski rise from his grave just to kick him in the nuts, it didn’t stop Franco from turning in his paper on time and demanding an ‘A’.

This guy is so arrogant and wannabe eclectic it’s only a matter of time before he’s paper macheing his turds, mounting them on ‘found art’ i.e. garbage and selling them at his soon-to-open New York gallery. You suck James Franco! And so did Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and so does your poem, and not in an ironic, hipster kind of way that really makes it cool.

Here’s the link if you want to watch Jesus reincarnate recite his poem. But if you’re prone to diarrhea you might just want to read my cliff notes below:

Obama in Asheville

James Franco wrote a poem about James Franco having to write an inaugural poem. James Franco didn’t know what to write, and James Franco is in Asheville, and Obama isn’t (hence the title) So James Franco ate a burrito, then called his class at UCLA to tell them what movies to watch because James Franco teaches a class at UCLA, did you know that?

Then James Franco remembered the time Obama got to meet him at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner and that The President of the United States had seen Spiderman, and of course, already knew who James Franco was.

He ends by saying if James Franco ever plays Obama in a movie, he’d win an Academy Award. Did I mention the poem was written by James Franco?

You can also read the poem in its entirety here.

Megan Fox Let’s Out the Crazy

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After having a son back in September, Megan Fox went on record saying she wasn’t going to be showing cleavage or dressing slutty anymore because she was a mom now and didn’t want to embarrass her son. Then she remembered that she’s Megan Fox and she has about as much acting dimension as a piece of cardboard, so here she is on the latest cover of Esquire showing of what made her famous in the first place.

Unfortunately, inside the magazine she’s doing the one thing she shouldn’t be, talking. And the shit she’s saying is going to embarrass little Noah more than any picture of his mom bent over in a bikini ever could. Noah’s mom may be hot, but she’s a paranoid, delusional doomsday prepper who  “believes that people are (so) inherently bad. When she read about the nanny who allegedly murdered two young children in New York, she fired her own.” and it pretty much goes downhill from there.

To be fair, the sycophantic numb-nuts they got to interview her seemed more content to sit there with his mouth agape while she rambled on about leprechauns and aliens than to ask any questions. Megan should probably have someone with her at all times to stop her from going into Jim Jones crazy-mode while anyone with a recording device is around.  Here’s some of the best excerpts:

“I’ve read the Book of Revelation a million times,” Megan Fox says. “It does not make sense, obviously. It needs to be decoded. What is the dragon? What is the prostitute? What are these things? What is this imagery? What was John seeing? And I was just thinking, What is the Antichrist?“

“When war breaks out in the Holy Land, like it is right now, if that is a sign of the immediate end times, then where are the other signs? Is it possible that it’s the Internet or fame itself or celebrity?”

Maybe, just maybe Megan, YOU’RE the Antichrist! That or you’re the savior here to deliver us from modest clothing and well-honed acting ability.

On Speaking in tongues:

“It feels like a lot of energy coming through the top of your head — I’m going to sound like such a lunatic — and then your whole body is filled with this electric current. And you just start speaking, but you’re not thinking because you have no idea what you’re saying. Words are coming out of your mouth, and you can’t control it. The idea is that it’s a language that only God understands. It’s the language that’s spoken in heaven.

If only Megan could have brought that kind of passion to Transformers and Transformers:Revenge of the Fallen. And finally:

She would much rather be an archeologist exploring the ancient ruins of Israel and Egypt. “I feel like there’s stuff literally buried there and buried where the Maya were,” she says. Ancient aliens who gave rise to ancient civilizations on earth. “I would like to uncover the secrets of the universe. In my fantasy.”

And there you have it, Megan Fox could have been one of the great minds of the 21st century, but instead she fell into a life of dancing around in a bikini while staring blankly and making millions of dollars. A beautiful mind wasted, so sad.

Oscar Jr: The Golden Globes

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Another day another awards show. Last night it was the Golden Globes, where achievement in both television and film is recognized, so pretty much every celebrity you could think of was there. Even Nicole Richie, whose neck looked ten years older than her face.

Wanna know who wasn’t there? Lindsay Lohan. Yes, the cinematic masterpiece that was Liz & Dick wasn’t nominated for a Golden Globe, so she live tweeted the show holed up in a hotel room with an eight ball and a bottle of Poplov.

I hate awards shows so let’s just get through the highlights:

Jodie Foster kind of, sort of came out of the closet while accepting the Cecil B. DeMille lifetime achievement award. For some reason everybody thought it was very surprising that a Hollywood actress who dresses butch and shacked up with another woman for years while having kids together is a lesbian. You mean all that sexual tension with Mel Gibson in Maverick was fake?

Stacy Keibler arrived with George Clooney looking like she didn’t even bother to wash her hair. She must be depressed, I’d be too if I had the Damacle’s Sword of being known to posterity as ‘that one girl dumped by George Clooney’ hanging over my head.

I’m going to give worst dressed to Sienna Miller, for looking and dressing like this . And best dressed will go to crazy mess, NeNe Leakes cuz girl looks like she could use a break.

Anne Hathaway is on the right road to Oscar success picking up a Best Supporting Actress last night. “Thank you for this lovely blunt object that I will forevermore use as a weapon against self-doubt,” Hathaway said, holding her trophy. Does this bitch ever stop feeling sorry for herself?

Jennifer Lawrence looked great and won Best Actress for Silver Linings Playbook.

What else, Ben Affleck won Best Director for Argo, but he wasn’t even nominated for the Oscars, I’m not sure what that means. It’s almost as if the Golden Globes are a superfluous awards show handing out conciliatory prizes to those who couldn’t make the cut. Speaking of Ben Affleck, why does Jennifer Garner look like this now?

And best performance of the evening goes to Sacha Baron Cohen for using his minute on stage to make fun of the Hollywood elite who take themselves way too seriously, ie. Daniel Day Lewis

You can view a complete list of winners here.

Image:By Premio Acerbi (foto) [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Britney Spears is at a Crossroads.

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Britney Spears has had her busiest week in years, quitting her job, breaking up with her fiance and possibly moving to Las Vegas. It sounds like the plot of an empowering woman-having-a-midlife-crisis book-turned-movie that would star Julia Roberts. But this is Britney Jean Spears we’re talking about so imagine that but with more chili cheese fries, tetanus and menthol cigarettes.

Where to begin. First it was reported that Britney Spears quit her job at the X-Factor because she was about to be fired.  Then she split up with her fiancé, Jason Trawick,who’s been babysitting her for the last couple of years while conveniently having sex with her too. It’s reported the two split because Britney wants to do more baby making (she’s from Alabama, it’s inherent,) and he’s already had it up to here with the two hellions that Britney already has. Now, TMZ is reporting that Britney is in talks to move to LasVegas to headline a show and could potentially earn over $100 million a year for the gig.

In totally unrelated news that should be related, in the newbook  by pulitzer-prize winning author Lawrence Wright, Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood, and the Prison of Belief, Wright details how the Church of Scientology auditioned several actresses back in 2004 under the guise of a role in Mission Impossible, but they were really looking for a third wife for Tom Cruise. The book claims Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Alba and Lindsay Lohan were all considered for the role of ‘beard’ before church officials settled on Katie Holmes.

How are they missing this? Britney might as well have a gigantic target on her forehead.  The girl hasn’t made any decisions for herself since  2008, she’s the exact kind of celebrated, malleable dim-wit a cult would kill to get their hands on. And it wouldn’t even be hard, they would just have to pull up in an ice cream truck, throw a burlap sack over her head and tell her they’re taking her to Taco Bell.  It’ll be three years before she realizes she never got that Nacho Bell Grande and extra large Mountain Dew.

Image:By Sam Lavi (Britney Spears – Circus Tour) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Courtney Stodden’s Busting Out

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One of the people pictured above was born a woman. Can you guess which one?

Since all the real celebrities were at the People’s Choice Awards and the Critic’s Choice Awards this week, Human-Trafficking victim Courtney Stodden and her john, Doug Hutchinson decided to lend their star power to the Markus + Indrani Icon Book Launch party to benefit The Trevor Project. I know, glamorous, right?

Courtney put on her best drag face, dusted off her favorite wig from out of the corner where her dog was sleeping on it, poured herself into the cheapest polyester tube dress she could find, then crammed her feet into  her most comfortable plastic shoes, (check out that pinky toe) because Courtney pulls all the stops when her parental guradian lets her out of the house! Normally her vadge would be hanging out the bottom of this thing, but if you look closely, you’ll see Courtney actually remembered to wear her  support underwear. Surprise!

The shindig was hosted by Carmen Electra, which is a good indicator of where her career is at these days.  Links to more pics here.

Image:Fame/Flynet

Seth MacFarlane Somehow Managed to Make the Oscar Nominations Even LESS Funny

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Above: You would not believe how hard it is to find an unflattering photo of Seth MacFarlane. The guy is ridiculously photogenic

The Oscar’s are now such a media cluster fuck, that announcing the potential winners is an event in itself. Emma Stone and Seth MacFarlane announced the nominees this morning on ABC and some insiders are speculating that Seth may be too irreverent for the prestigious Oscars after he cracked some bad jokes.

“I’m Seth MacFarlane, the host of the Oscars. If you don’t know who I am just pretend I’m Donny Osmond.” He opened.

Unfortunately, no one knows who Donny Osmond is either. MacFarlane then took it too far when he made a Hitler joke.  Too soon, Seth, too soon!

“I read Amour was co-produced in Austria and Germany,” Said MacFarlane.  “The last time Austria and Germany got together and co-produced something it was Hitler, but this was much better. Highly recommended.”

Oh my God, Seth, you are so edgy. I can’t believe you said that, it’s only been like 70 years.  Some of those people killed by Hitler might still be alive!  I’m gonna let this slide MacFarlane, but if you make a William McKinley joke I’m calling for  a boycott!

And so you don’t have to look anywhere else I’ve listed the nominees. The important ones anyway. Nobody gives a fuck about ‘Achievement in Sound Mixing.’

Performance by an actor in a leading role

*   Bradley Cooper in “Silver Linings Playbook”
*   Daniel Day-Lewis in “Lincoln”
*   Hugh Jackman in “Les Miserables”
*   Joaquin Phoenix in “The Master”
*   Denzel Washington in “Flight”

Performance by an actor in a supporting role

*   Alan Arkin in “Argo”
*   Robert De Niro in “Silver Linings Playbook”
*   Philip Seymour Hoffman in “The Master”
*   Tommy Lee Jones in “Lincoln”
*   Christoph Waltz in “Django Unchained”

Performance by an actress in a leading role

*   Jessica Chastain in “Zero Dark Thirty”
*   Jennifer Lawrence in “Silver Linings Playbook”
*   Emmanuelle Riva in “Amour”
*   Quvenzhane Wallis in “Beasts of the Southern Wild”
*   Naomi Watts in “The Impossible”

Performance by an actress in a supporting role

*   Amy Adams in “The Master”
*   Sally Field in “Lincoln”
*   Anne Hathaway in “Les Miserables”
*   Helen Hunt in “The Sessions”
*   Jacki Weaver in “Silver Linings Playbook”

Achievement in directing

*   “Amour,” Michael Haneke
*   “Beasts of the Southern Wild,” Benh Zeitlin
*   “Life of Pi,” Ang Lee
*   “Lincoln,” Steven Spielberg
*   “Silver Linings Playbook,” David O. Russell

Best motion picture of the year

*   “Amour” (nominees to be determined)
*   “Argo,” Grant Heslov, Ben Affleck and George Clooney, producers
*   “Beasts of the Southern Wild,” Dan Janvey, Josh Penn and Michael Gottwald, producers
*   “Django Unchained,” Stacey Sher, Reginald Hudlin and Pilar Savone, producers
*   “Les Miserables,” Tim Bevan, Eric Fellner, Debra Hayward and Cameron Mackintosh, producers
*   “Life of Pi,” Gil Netter, Ang Lee and David Womark, producers
*   “Lincoln,” Steven Spielberg and Kathleen Kennedy, producers
*   “Silver Linings Playbook,” Donna Gigliotti, Bruce Cohen and Jonathan Gordon, producers
*   “Zero Dark Thirty,” Mark Boal, Kathryn Bigelow and Megan Ellison, producers

Image:By Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America (Seth MacFarlane  Uploaded by MaybeMaybeMaybe) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Pam Anderson’s Boobs Got Her Kicked Off Dancing On Ice

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Pamela_Anderson1Well that was fast.  Four days after I told you Pamela Anderson was so desperate for cash she was doing Dancing On Ice in the UK, she was voted off the show.  Pam managed to skate for a grand total of 150 seconds before everyone decided they had seen enough and sent her packing.  It must have been when her gigantic, pumpkin-colored, saline sack of a breast slipped out of her top during her performance.  Put ’em way Pam, those things expired in 2002.

Don’t cry for old Pam, she got paid £150,000 for appearing on the show, which comes out to £1,000 a second.

A source told the Daily Mirror: ‘Pammy is the biggest star we have had in years and we hoped she would pull in millions of viewers for weeks and weeks. Her skating partner Matt Evers flew to America for weeks of training.

‘We had to book first class flights for her and source plush accommodation for months too in case she got to the final stages. All in all we’ve spent about £150,000 on Pammy and she has lasted one week. It’s a disaster.’

Aren’t all these contests supposed to be rigged anyways?  If they spent so much money on her why couldn’t they just have the judges keep her around? We Americans have been tolerating this shit for years, how the hell else do you think Fantasia Barrino became a ‘star?’

Image:By Boeing978 (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons