Justin Bieber Shares His DNA With a Fan*

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*By ‘fan’ I mean irate neighbor, same thing.

If you ask anybody that knows me, they’ll tell you I drive like old people fuck: Disappointingly slow while listening to public radio. And if there’s one thing I hate, it’s people who think speeding on public streets is a legitimate hobby. If you’re going to do something illegal for you kicks, get into drugs, you’ll have way more fun, and probably have an occasion or two when you think you really are driving a car but you’re actually just sitting on the couch. Plus, drugs never hurt anybody.

What I’m getting at here is that Justin Bieber had a knew Ferrari delivered to his gated Calabasas home, and felt the need to race the thing through residential streets at 100mph. Watch out for cats!

According to TMZ:

The man — a 47-year-old successful businessman and father of 3 — went onto Justin’s Calabasas property and screamed, “You can’t drive like this!”  The man told deputies, Justin responded by saying , “Get the f**k out of here,” and then he spit in the guy’s face and said, “I’m gonna f**king kill you.” The man filed a battery report and we’re told he wants Bieber prosecuted and will not back down.

The only way a 5’2 noodle-armed wiener could pull a move like that without having his face ripped off is he was surrounded by his hulking bodyguards, which he was. But, apparently, the DA takes charges of spitting very seriously and is investigating.

So remember, it’s acceptable to drive coked-up and drunk through the streest of LA county, with a trunk full of stolen jewelry and hit a few non-famous people along the way, but you goddam well better not spit on anybody!

Image:Fame/Flynet

Justin Bieber Claims First Victim of 2013

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A paparazzo trying to snap of pic of what he believed was Justin Bieber’s Ferrari was struck by a car last night and killed while crossing Sepulveda Blvd. And the real tragedy is that Justin wasn’t in the car, so he didn’t even get the photo!

According to TMZ, Justin’s white Ferrari was speeding on the 405 when CHP pulled the vehicle over and directed the car onto Sepulveda, the photographer crossed the road to take pictures and when CHP ordered him to return to his vehicle he was struck and killed while recrossing the street.

TMZ is now reporting that rapper Lil’ Twist (I know,) a protege of Lil’ Wayne (now it makes sense,) was driving the Ferrari when it was pulled over.  Apparently Lil’ Twist and Bieber have been hanging out and partying hard the past few weeks.  Because over-privileged panty-wastes with pompadours usually like to hang out together, it’s self-affirming.

Image: Instagram – @LilTwist