Hugh Jackman Doesn’t Appreciate His Fans

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Stalkers these days are becoming so blasé. Not only does everybody have one, all they ever do is threaten to kill you or take a piss on your front lawn. So you think Hugh Jackman would appreciate the crazed woman who threw a razor full of her pubic hair at him while professing her love in a NYC gym this morning. Instead, he had her arrested! The nerve! A creative stalker is hard to come by these days, doesn’t he realize the thought and effort this woman put into this? She shaved, for fuck’s sake.

The only thing I’ve ever had thrown at me in a fit of passion was a drink along with the phrase, “Get your hands off my wallet, bitch.”

This makes me think the portrait I made of Hugh out of dandruff and used tampons might not go over too well.

Remember That Punk Who Stole Your Wallet in 1988? It Was Mark Wahlberg

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Mark Wahlberg wants you to know, he may wear tuxedos and Gucci loafers now, but in the past, he was regular street thug who used to rob people, and smoke weed. Hey, so did my mom!

Mark has to explain to the director and costars of his new film Pain & Gain, that he’s not just pretending to be a criminal, he really is one. That’s why he knows when you kidnap and rob a person, you have to talk in a silly accent or they might recognize who you are, because only a criminal mastermind could come up with such a brilliant idea. Via HuffPo:

“They don’t have that criminal mentality like me,” Wahlberg said in an interview with MTV News. “I know how to do s–t. I’ve robbed people in the past, so you can’t be just like, ‘Hey, dude, what’s up? It’s me, Mark. Listen, give me your s–t!’ “

“You gotta be like ‘Hey, I’m Marky Mark of the Funky Bunch, do you think you could spare a few bucks for gas money? I’ll give you an autograph.’”

If that doesn’t work he can always tell them his brother is Donnie from New Kids on the Block and him, Jordan Knight and Joey McIntyre are gonna come kick some ass.

Nooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

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As if anyone needed another reason to purchase a semi-automatic weapon and a high-capacity magazine at a gun show without a background check, Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs is reportedly dating Kate Upton.

(Note: That was in no way an endorsement of violence against P-Doodly.)

According to @Confidential via the NYDN, Combs and Upton were spotted making out in Miami in March and were later spotted dining together in New York City.

So, American hero and Golden Child, Kate Upton, is dating the rap world’s original smug douchebag. Move over Kanye, someone’s about to be relevant again.

In related news, Kris Jenner was asking around about getting a voodoo doll with big tits and blonde hair.

Tom Cruise is Clueless

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Tom Cruise has revealed to a German magazine that he was surprised when Katie Holmes suddenly filed for divorce from him last June, saying “I did not expect that.”

“I thought she might try to kill me or maybe drown Suri in the pool; but divorce? She’s a Catholic!”

To put this in context, Tom Cruise believes that alien souls were placed in volcanoes on Earth and then blown up with nuclear weapons, and that those souls are the origin of human life on this planet. Yet he somehow has a hard time believing that a 34-year-old woman with a child would grow tired of a 50-year-old man hooking her up to an e-meter and asking an endless series of questions intended to make her admit she’s actually a 100,000-year-old alien.

Image: MTV Live [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)

MTV Cancels ‘Buckwild,’ But Wait!

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Mudding

It’s all fun and games until somebody drives their four-wheel-drive into a mud pit and dies from carbon monoxide poisoning. In the wake of reality star Shain Gandee’s death, MTV has announced they are cancelling Buck Wild. But if you’re a fan of watching young adults with IQ’s that would get them off the hook for murder in some states drive around without seatbelts and play with explosives, you might be in luck.

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The producer for the show, J.P. Williams tells the Hollywood Reporter that he will continue to shoot the show and is looking to make a Buckwild Movie as well.

“This is the network that has shows about teen pregnancy. They’ll stick by a show that allows you to abandon a child, but a kid dies by accident doing what he does for a living [mudding] and they cancel the show?” he fumes. “There’s something that smells of s— here on every level.”

What MTV should do is double down and create Buck Wild Teen Mom, it will combine the fun of second-cousin relations and moonshine with the excitement of fetal alcohol syndrome. It’s a win-win!

Mischa Barton?

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I can’t tell if this is Mischa Barton, former star of  “The O.C.” with a penchant for smoking weed, or the Dayton, Ohio Walmart’s employee of the month, who likes Twilight and ranch dressing.

Image:Fame/Flynet

Well Played Farrah Abraham, Well Played

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Remember how Farrah Abraham was upset because people were saying there was a sex tape of her going around? That’s because it’s not a sex tape, it’s a porno, filmed on a set with porn-actor James Deen. From TMZ:

Deen — a professional porn star — tells TMZ, “Word travels fast … it isn’t even edited yet. We shot it yesterday.” When asked if the two were dating, based on the fact they were seen holding hands yesterday, Deen said, “Definitely not dating. Got tested together on Friday and then saw her on set. That is my only experience with the lady.”

 No wonder she’s so indignant. Anybody can fuck in front of their camera phone and upload it to the internet. It takes a true actress, a connoisseur of the art, to convincingly pull a man’s penis out her butt, put it in her mouth and act like she likes it.

“See the lighting and how well they edited that scene, baby? That means mommy’s a professional.”

In anticipation of her porn career not taking off, Farrah’s also working as a phone sex operator for $5 dollars a minute. Girl’s got all her bases covered.