Author Archives: thevadge

Don Johnson Checked Out Dennis Johnson’s Johnson

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I have no idea what really goes down inside of a men’s locker room. I always assumed it’s a lot like the women’s locker room –  a lot of sudsy breasts, ass-pinching and period talk.  But  thanks to Don Johnson, I’ve learned the truth: A bunch of guys staring at each other’s junk, making comparisons and dishing out compliments, with the occasional sword fight. 

The Django Unchained star tells Page 6:

“Look, I’ve seen guys with a lot bigger [penises] than me. One time, I was in the Celtics locker room talking to Larry Bird and Kevin McHale . . . and there’s Dennis Johnson coming out of the showers and, dude, that’s who put the Johnson in Johnson. I mean, it must have shown on my face, because when I turned back to Larry, he looked at me and said, ‘I know, huh?’ and I was like, ‘Dude, that’s a weapon.’ ”

Whoa there Don, save the rest for Penthouse Letters, I think I know where this is going.  

Image:By Alan Light [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Honey Boo Boo’s Mom is Scared of Mayonnaise

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ImageIf I had  to take a wild guess about what June Shannon, AKA ‘Mama June,’ mother of future diabetes-related-double-amputee, Honey Boo Boo, is afraid of, I would probably go with treadmills, vegetables, pants that don’t have an elastic waist or maybe longevity.

What I would never guess in a million years is that a woman who could lose a 16-pound turkey in the folds of her chin is afraid of mayonnaise. But in this video posted on Radar Big Mama June explains what went terribly wrong with her life.

“When I was growing up and the baby sitter I had, we ate mayonnaise sandwiches for breakfast, lunch and dinner!”

Of course, she explains that she still eats potato salad, tuna salad and other mayonnaise-based food items. She just doesn’t like to look at plain mayonnaise. Good, because that would have blown all my hypotheses about fat people out of the water.

Image:By Vijverln (Own work) [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

If You’re Upset Rihanna Isn’t a Good Role Model, Please Don’t Have Children

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It always surprises me when people get pissed off at a celebrity for doing something  they find morally unacceptable.  It’s like they’re too busy with their own lives to teach their ugly children right from wrong so they expect T.V. and the internet to do it for them.

Case in point, some of Rihanna’s Twitter followers got  upset at her posting pictures of herself smoking a joint (above,) and of a bud of herbacious (below)  with the caption: “This nug look like a skull or am I just….?”

BTW, that’s some real stoner shit right there.

Anyways, some people thought posting pictures of drugs, might give young people the wrong idea. Like this fan, who wrote: “So sad a lot of young kids really look up to you :( “

That sad face really hit home. Or this person who wrote: “Wow wat a good influence you are on young girls….not!”

Harsh, I know. Think of all those young girls hoping to one day have a crack pipe punched out of their mouths by their abusive boyfriend. They’ll be so disappointed.

Look, celebrities aren’t famous because they’re particularly smart, or make good choices; they’re famous because they’re marginally talented, better looking than you or I, and usually have a family member who can open some doors for them.  They’re here to entertain us, be ridiculed and have their private lives become fodder for tabloid magazines, late night T.V. and poorly written blogs like The Vadge. If you didn’t figure out Rihanna was a bad role model after she unapologetically hooked up with Chris Brown again, you’re as stoned out of your mind as she is.

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Leonardo DiCaprio Throws a Bone to Jonah Hill

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Imagine closing your eyes and thinking your going to make out with the bloated face of Leonardo DiCaprio, only to open them and find  yourself making out with the bloated face of Jonah Hill.

If your a ’10’ and you’ve been in Sydney or Las Vegas this week, that might be the situation you find yourself in. Just a heads up. Jonah’s been bottom-feeding on Leo’s discard.  Don’t get me wrong, I would totally make it with Leo, not because I find him particularly attractive, but because he’s a really good actor, especially when he played that retarded guy, very convincing.

Image:By Siebbi (Leonardo DiCaprio) [CC-BY-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Douche of the Week

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The best thing that ever happened to Anne Hathaway and the rest of the world was when she  flashed her vadge getting out of that limo because it took all the attention away from her mouth, and the stupid things that come out of it.

After going on about starving herself for weeks to slim down for ‘Les Mis’ (we get it. You have an eating disorder, good job.) she told the Los Angeles Times  she wasn’t satisfied with her performance in the film, despite expecting to receive an Oscar for said performance.

Now she’s mouthing off again, this time to Harper’s Bazaar, about how much it sucks to be her:

Hathaway hates that she’s seen as a ‘bizarre-world good-girl character’, and feels she’s labelled as ‘very vanilla, very sweet, very accessible and not interesting.’

” I had no grit, no sex appeal.” 

Judging by the photo in the magazine I’d say that last assertion is right on.  If we give you your Oscar will you promise to stop talking for a while, and for God’s sake, stop singing too? Anne is one of those women who plays like she’s insecure and down-to-earth and cool but it’s only because she enjoys talking about herself and wants you to disagree and tell her that she’s awesome.

Justin Bieber Claims First Victim of 2013

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A paparazzo trying to snap of pic of what he believed was Justin Bieber’s Ferrari was struck by a car last night and killed while crossing Sepulveda Blvd. And the real tragedy is that Justin wasn’t in the car, so he didn’t even get the photo!

According to TMZ, Justin’s white Ferrari was speeding on the 405 when CHP pulled the vehicle over and directed the car onto Sepulveda, the photographer crossed the road to take pictures and when CHP ordered him to return to his vehicle he was struck and killed while recrossing the street.

TMZ is now reporting that rapper Lil’ Twist (I know,) a protege of Lil’ Wayne (now it makes sense,) was driving the Ferrari when it was pulled over.  Apparently Lil’ Twist and Bieber have been hanging out and partying hard the past few weeks.  Because over-privileged panty-wastes with pompadours usually like to hang out together, it’s self-affirming.

Image: Instagram – @LilTwist

Sofia Vergara Fights with her Douchebag Fiance

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Sofia Vergara is at the top of her game right now and could have anyone she wants because boobs.  Yet, for some reason, she’s engaged to Nick Loeb; who has the prestigious distinction of being the founder of Onion Crunch, the crispy, fried onion topping made from 100% real onions!

He’s also a hot-tempered jerk, which he proved on New Year’s eve when he got into a fight with a guy after he spilled a drink on Sofia’s dress. From the New York Daily News:

“Nick got upset at the guy and was trying to get him to say sorry to Sofia — and she was screaming at him to stop causing a scene because they were in public.”

After that incident blew over Loeb got into a fight with Sofia because she took a picture with the offending drink-spiller. When that fight started to escalate, Loeb was escorted out of the club by security while Sofia screamed obscenities at him. Somewhere during the scuffle Sofia hit the ground and one of her enormous boobs popped out of her dress.

I love the idea of Sofia screaming “Fuck you, chimbo!” Telenova style with mascara streaming down her face while Auld Lang Syne plays in the background. And while her fiance is obviously a douche who instigated the whole thing, Sofia is Colombian, and if drug-trafficking movies like Scarface have taught me anything, it’s that Colombians are fucking crazy. So I’m sure these incidents happen all the time around Sofia. If you want to date her you probably have to agree to  get into a fight every 72 hours, minimum.  Keeps things fresh.

Image:Tom Sorensen [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons