Brad Pitt is Single & High, Do I Have a Chance?

File:Angelina Jolie Brad Pitt Cannes.jpg

Tell Kit Harrington to pack up his hair care products and get the fuck out of my fantasies¬†because Brad Pitt is on the rebound and possibly pretty drunk, the type of man I’m really good at attracting.

TMZ reported this morning that Angelina Jolie filed for divorce this morning citing irreconcilable differences (note: I will reconcile the shit out of you Brad.) Sources close to the couple say the problem stems from Brad ‘s consumption of marijuana and alcohol as well as his anger ¬†issues when he’ dealing with the children. See Brad? That’s three things we have in common right there!

Not only do I need to extend a warm ‘Thanks’ to Angelina for turning Brad out cold and stoned to be ripped apart in the streets limb by limb by every desperate woman over 30 who watched Thelma & Louise during their formative years, but also for stomping out every other headline of the day. Another unarmed black man shot by police? Donald Trump suggests ceding Alaska from the Union in order to create the World’s largest refugee internment camp to be administered by Sarah Palin? Who fucking cares? I haven’t written a post since April, this is obviously the most important thing to happen to me or anyone else in the past six months.

 

Image:Georges Biard [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

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