After five seasons of Game of Thrones I was never able to fully decide if I wanted to have sex with Jon Snow or not, but that all changed last night when I had a very titillating dream about a certain Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. Did I mention this post might contain some spoilers? Fuck you and your notions that the internet has to pussy foot around because you’re behind a few seasons.
My biggest complaint about Game of Thrones has to be the lack of desirable male characters. Jaime could pass for attractive, but he’s a sister-fucker, and his nose looks like a dick with a cleft palette. Loras is alright but he’s a queer so his lack of interest in me makes me hate him. And Robb was pretty hot, but he was also a mama’s boy. For a while I entertained some sexy notions about the Hound, but I always wanted something more. And now I have it!
I’m a stay-at-home mom, whose husband is currently out of town, so it doesn’t take a whole lot for me these days, but let’s just say this dream involved a pair of salad tongs, a can of tuna and a Pomeranian; Yeah, it was hot. Like wow hot. I’ve always been on the fence about Jon Snow. He’s a pretty boy, and kind of a bitch, and I don’t like his nose. I expect a lot out of my fantasies, as does any other overweight, bibliophile with bad hygiene passing judgement behind the anonymity of a computer screen. But the way he handled those tongs! Whatever reservations I had vanished like a can of Chicken of the Sea (Jon would get that, wink wink.) So with that, I am pleased to announce that I would totally fuck Jon Snow; If he were a real person, and if he agrees to keep his hair out his face and stops doing that sullen, poutty-thing with his mouth all the time; And do something about those fucking eyebrows! Somebody please forward him this post and let him know I’m available any night after eight and most days between the hours of one and three. Mention the phrase ‘Tuna Tong,’ that oughta bring him back from the dead.
Moving on. Tyrion. I have always maintained that if I had to fuck a dwarf, I would totally fuck Peter Dinklage, with ‘midget #2’ from the Lollipop Guild in Wizard of Oz coming in at a distant second. I have now decided to remove the qualifier from that statement and just say outright that I would fuck Peter Dinklage. That’s the news for the day, I’m sure there was some other stuff about black people getting killed by cops or something, and I think the Supreme Court said gays can marry their cats if the cat consents, but I’m a white, middle-class mom who doesn’t even bother to put on pants most days and those things don’t affect me.