Last week Charlie Sheen and two friends flew his private jet to Scotland for a 24-hour spur of the moment expedition to find the Loch Ness Monster, because if Charlie can magically make a hooker and an ounce of coke disappear in an hour, surely, he can make a non-existent creature of folk-lore that’s only been seen once reappear.
“Present yourself to me elusive creature of the murky deep so that I might put my wiener in one of your magical holes.”
Charlie Sheen fueled up his private jet for a 24-hour mission to accomplish what no one else has been able to for the last 80 years … find the Loch Ness Monster.
Charlie flew to Scotland last week — and sources close to the Warlock tell us it was literally a last minute call … like most of his decisions.
We’re told Sheen brought along his two pals — ex-baseball star Todd Zeile and longtime stand-in Brian Pekk … we’re told Charlie and co. rented a boat and headed out to search for Nessie — armed only with a bottle of scotch.
While I have no doubts that Charlie got drunk on a boat with two other men, kind of like an adult version of “Three Men in a Tub” that ends in a circle jerk, this is obviously a cover-story for their real mission: Picking up a black-market shipment of tiger penis from China. A man’s gotta get his fix.
Image:By Joella Marano (Charlie Sheen) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons
The endless line of porn stars and hookers willing to lip wrestle with Charlie Sheen never ceases to amaze me. Is there a national shortage of Valtrex and bitches are trying to get a residual dose? Why else would a woman with low self-esteem and daddy issues hook-up with a man so bacteria-ridden even Lindsay Lohan thought she was too good for him?
I don’t have answers to these questions, I was just trying to tell you that Charlie Sheen has found a new blown-out hole to put his crusty, flaccid peen in. Her name is Georgia Jones (pictured above) star of adult film classics such as Teen Alien Sex Dreams and Babes in Body Wraps. And if she hasn’t already proved there’s nothing she won’t do to make a buck and shame her parents, she’s sure to do it now after being photographed making out with Charlie Sheen on New Year’s. Say ‘hi,’ mom and dad!
Image:By J Chang from USA (AEE2009_Jan11_Nikon 770 Uploaded by gohe007) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons
Says They Go Great With a Beer and a Bump
Seizing upon any chance to be relevant, Charlie Sheen has weighed in on the previously reported tirade by Angus T. Jones’ for a video on a religious website.
Sheen told People “With Angus’s Hale-Bopp-like meltdown, it is radically clear to me that the show is cursed,” Which got me thinking, it’s been a good fifteen years since America’s had a good mass-suicide facilitated by a charismatic cult leader. You should get on that Charlie, it’s the role you were born to play, and December 21st is rapidly approaching.
Image:Angela George [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons
Making Out With Miley Cyrus Was the Last Straw
Angus T. Jones, you know, that little turd that plays on Two and a Half Men? That show no one watches? Or at least I don’t. Well apparently he’s all grown up now, and he has opinions; the convoluted, self-righteous opinions of a celebrity teenager.
In a video released by the Seventh Day Adventist website Forerunner Chronicles Jones pleads people not to watch his show, calling it ‘filth’ and says he no longer wishes to be on it.
Unfortunately, Jones seems to have locked himself into some kind of satanic contractual obligation back in October 2010 guaranteeing him $7.8 million for two seasons plus a $500,000 signing bonus.
So his renunciation of the show is coming after he’s made boatloads of money and can afford to burn all his bridges and take a moral high ground. Ask Sheen how well that worked out for him.
Image:By Hollywood Branded http://www.gigaset.com (Angus T. Jones) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons