Monthly Archives: February 2013

Willow Smith is All Grown Up

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There’s nothing The Vadge hates more than children, except celebrity children, I’m looking at you Vivienne Jolie-Pitt! Topping my list of detestable celebrity spawn is Willow Smith. Mostly because she’s always throwing some serious side shade out her squinty eyes. How does a 12-year-old look so fucking smug? Oh, wait.

If you thought for a minute I was above making fun of children, you’re kind of right, but the minute Willow signed a record deal with Jay-Z and started collaborating with Nicki Minaj any reservations I might have had about a pre-teen’s self-esteem went out the door. That condescending look tells me girl has enough self-esteem for her and James Franco.

But despite being on the fast track to international stardom and a stint in rehab by the time she’s 15, Willow has decided to take a break from her budding career. (I can’t tell you how much it filled me with bile to think of a tween with a career as I sit in my pajamas at noon covered in baby boogers writing this blog.)  Willow’s famous dad explains why she put the brakes on her latest movie Annie:

“Willow was supposed to be doing Annie. We got Jay-Z to do the movie [and] got the studio to come in. [But] Willow had such a difficult time on tour with ‘Whip my Hair’ and she said, ‘You know Daddy, I don’t think so,'” the entertainer recalled. “I said, ‘Baby, hold up! I said no, no, no. Listen, you’ll be in New York with all of your friends and Beyonce will be there. You will be singing and dancing.’ And she looked at me and said, ‘Daddy, I have a better idea, how about I just be 12.'”

That couldn’t have sounded more scripted and contrived if it came right out of an episode of “Fresh Prince”. Nice try though Will, trying to make Willow sound like a sweet, humble daddy’s girl wanting to enjoys the last moments of her childhood when we all know the real conversation was more like, “Daddy, I ain’t about to play no red-haired, white girl in some tired-ass piece of revived Broadway. And Beyonce is 2008, get me Rita Oro. And I want the script rewritten so that there’s no orphans and Annie drives a Bentley. Then we can talk my salary.”

Image:By Harrywad [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Gisele Debuts Baby Demi-God

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Gisele Bundchen unveiled the next generation of super-humans on her Facebook page today, posting a picture of her two-month old daughter with Tom Brady, Vivian Lake.

Vivian can be seen already practicing her “ennui” pose for the camera. In 18 years she’ll be a six-foot-four, physically flawless Amazon who can throw a hundred-yard spiral. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Daily Discharge

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Candice Swanepoel is posting self-portraits on Twitter again. I could look like that, I just don’t want to. (above)

Here’s all those unflattering Beyonce photos everyone’s been talking about. Buzzfeed

Just Kim Kardashian doing what she always does. WWTDD

I know we’ve all wondered this a million times before, but what the fuck happened to Lindsay Lohan’s face? D Listed

Stand by your man, even when he punches you in the face! ICYDK

Nice try Jennifer Love Hewitt, but noone’s falling for it. The Superficial

Mama June Lost an Entire Person

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June Shannon

Mama The Hut, AKA Mama June, parent to Honey Boo Boo and creator of such culinary delights as ‘Sketti’ a mixture of Noodles, butter and ketchup and ‘Go Go juice’ a Red Bull and Mountain Dew cocktail, told TMZ that she has lost around 115lbs (the size of your average Asian person) in the last year. Without even trying!

Mama June credits the weight loss to her ‘active’ lifestyle; her words, not mine.

“I haven’t done any surgeries,no diet pills, never went to the gym,” June told TMZ “but with the show I’ve been more active.They have me running around and going different places … I guess it’s paying off.” 

This new ‘hands-on’ approach to parenting is different from the style Mama June was using before the cameras started rolling, when she simply sat on the couch and poked the children with a stick when she wanted something.

Image:Facebook_June Shannon

 

The Grammys Enforce Victorian Era Dresscode

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The boring prudes at CBS have issued a memo requesting celebrities cover-up for Sunday night’s Grammys, because apparently, they don’t want anybody to watch. The memo warns against side-boob, butt cracks and “puffy” skin surrounding the genitals. That last one I’m sure was meant directly at Lady Gaga. An excerpt from the memo reads:

“Please avoid exposing bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack. Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic. Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples. Please be sure the genital region is adequately covered so that there is no visible `puffy’ bare skin exposure.”

Christ, their dress code is stricter than the Vatican’s, where I personally saw a nun pick up a dollar bill with her vadge while the Pope watched. Wait, that might have been the Spearmint Rhino, I always get those two mixed up.

Did Justin Bieber Hook Up With Rihanna? I’m Gonna Say No.

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God, I hope this is true, because if it is Chris Brown is going to carve up Justin Bieber like a foreskin at a Bris. (See all previous posts about Chris Brown.) From Life & Style:

Life & Style can exclusively reveal the reason Selena Gomez broke up with Justin Bieber after two years of dating: Selena found out that Justin had cheated on her in the early stages of their relationship — withRihanna.

“It has devastated her,” a friend of Selena and Justin’s reveals in the new issue of Life & Style. “It really cut like a knife because it happened in February of 2011, when Selena and Justin had been dating for months and were falling in love. It’s caused Selena to question their entire relationship.”

After flirting at a basketball game in LA on Feb. 20, 2011, the friend tellsLife & Style that he and Rihanna hooked up…

An insider reveals that they spent time together in NYC while taping the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in November 2012. “During breaks, they’d sneak away to the Hotel Giraffe,” the source tells Life & Style. “They were alone — their security made sure of it. Hotel staff blocked off the entire floor for them.”

A rep for Justin denies anything physical happened with the “S&M” singer. And the friend believes he’ll never confess and let down his fans. “Justin would never admit to it; he would never tell anyone he messed around with Rihanna.”

Since Rihanna’s type is more “murderous thug” than “scrawny, Canadian, white boy” (again, see all previous posts on Chris Brown) I’m gonna say this is bullshit. If anything, Justin probably went to Rihanna’s room where he took a puff off a blunt and promptly fell asleep on the couch, then Rihanna painted his nails while he was passed out. But just to be safe I’m working on a few names for the couple: Ri-Ber, Rihanner and Kip & Lafawnduh.

Dave Grohl is Taking Flack for Britney Spear’s Observation

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Earlier this week, Foo Fighter frontman, Dave Grohl, made an astute, and might I add accurate, statement about Britney Spears while filling in for Chelsea Handler on her talk show, “Chelsea Lately.”

“She kinda seems dead inside,” Grohl said while talking about the pop star with the show’s panel of comedians. “There’s nothing behind her eyes, there’s nothing in her boobs anymore.”

Even though Grohl’s statement is painfully true, it didn’t stop some die-hard Britney fans from admonishing him on Twitter. Because I’m sure he reads those.

Here’s a few of them:

– Dear Dave Grohl, how about you leave the Britney jokes in 2007 where they were actually relevant
#cheapshot #ass****

-Dave Grohl can f**k right off. Nobody cares about what you think about Britney you sore loser.
– Dave Grohl, you’re nothing but a piece of s**t, How dare you to talk about Britney Spears like that?!?!?!?

God, I hate to see what they would do if he said something that was actually mean-spirited. Have these people seen Britney lately? She walks around gas stations and drug stores in her pajamas, clinging on to puppies and children trying to fill the emptiness in her life with  Fritos and Mountain Dew.

“Dead inside,” is probably the most succinct way of describing that.

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