Douche of the Week

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The best thing that ever happened to Anne Hathaway and the rest of the world was when she  flashed her vadge getting out of that limo because it took all the attention away from her mouth, and the stupid things that come out of it.

After going on about starving herself for weeks to slim down for ‘Les Mis’ (we get it. You have an eating disorder, good job.) she told the Los Angeles Times  she wasn’t satisfied with her performance in the film, despite expecting to receive an Oscar for said performance.

Now she’s mouthing off again, this time to Harper’s Bazaar, about how much it sucks to be her:

Hathaway hates that she’s seen as a ‘bizarre-world good-girl character’, and feels she’s labelled as ‘very vanilla, very sweet, very accessible and not interesting.’

” I had no grit, no sex appeal.” 

Judging by the photo in the magazine I’d say that last assertion is right on.  If we give you your Oscar will you promise to stop talking for a while, and for God’s sake, stop singing too? Anne is one of those women who plays like she’s insecure and down-to-earth and cool but it’s only because she enjoys talking about herself and wants you to disagree and tell her that she’s awesome.

Justin Bieber Claims First Victim of 2013

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A paparazzo trying to snap of pic of what he believed was Justin Bieber’s Ferrari was struck by a car last night and killed while crossing Sepulveda Blvd. And the real tragedy is that Justin wasn’t in the car, so he didn’t even get the photo!

According to TMZ, Justin’s white Ferrari was speeding on the 405 when CHP pulled the vehicle over and directed the car onto Sepulveda, the photographer crossed the road to take pictures and when CHP ordered him to return to his vehicle he was struck and killed while recrossing the street.

TMZ is now reporting that rapper Lil’ Twist (I know,) a protege of Lil’ Wayne (now it makes sense,) was driving the Ferrari when it was pulled over.  Apparently Lil’ Twist and Bieber have been hanging out and partying hard the past few weeks.  Because over-privileged panty-wastes with pompadours usually like to hang out together, it’s self-affirming.

Image: Instagram – @LilTwist

Sofia Vergara Fights with her Douchebag Fiance

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Sofia Vergara is at the top of her game right now and could have anyone she wants because boobs.  Yet, for some reason, she’s engaged to Nick Loeb; who has the prestigious distinction of being the founder of Onion Crunch, the crispy, fried onion topping made from 100% real onions!

He’s also a hot-tempered jerk, which he proved on New Year’s eve when he got into a fight with a guy after he spilled a drink on Sofia’s dress. From the New York Daily News:

“Nick got upset at the guy and was trying to get him to say sorry to Sofia — and she was screaming at him to stop causing a scene because they were in public.”

After that incident blew over Loeb got into a fight with Sofia because she took a picture with the offending drink-spiller. When that fight started to escalate, Loeb was escorted out of the club by security while Sofia screamed obscenities at him. Somewhere during the scuffle Sofia hit the ground and one of her enormous boobs popped out of her dress.

I love the idea of Sofia screaming “Fuck you, chimbo!” Telenova style with mascara streaming down her face while Auld Lang Syne plays in the background. And while her fiance is obviously a douche who instigated the whole thing, Sofia is Colombian, and if drug-trafficking movies like Scarface have taught me anything, it’s that Colombians are fucking crazy. So I’m sure these incidents happen all the time around Sofia. If you want to date her you probably have to agree to  get into a fight every 72 hours, minimum.  Keeps things fresh.

Image:Tom Sorensen [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Jenelle Evans is Back on the Market Single Guys

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Above: Jenelle Evans and her soon-to-be-ex-husband of three weeks, Courtland Rogers, present a compelling case for proponents of forced sterilization.

I don’t really keep up with Teen Mom on MTV because 1.)MTV sucks and I feel old and out of touch when I watch it and  2.) The name of the show says it all. So I was dumbfounded when I heard today that heroin junkie, Jenelle Evans, and that guy with the neck tattoos that she married three weeks ago after  a two week engagement were already calling it quits.

What went wrong you two?  Why couldn’t you make this work?  You had so much in common,  felony charges, unstable personalities, substance abuse, and the combined mental acuity of a pack of Marlboro Lights.  I can’t think of a better argument for the eugenics movement.

And of course, the relationship’s meltdown all went down in 144-character accusations via Twitter when Jenelle tweeted…aww fuck, I can’t do this. You can check her Twitter if you want  to sort through the jumbled rants and misused homophones of a drug-addled twat, but I’m drawing a line. (@PBandJennelley_1)

Image: Twitter – @PBandJennelley_1

Hugh Hefner & Crystal Harris are Getting Married…For Real This Time!

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 Update: The couple went through with their New Years nuptials (how alliterative) and are officially husband and wife,  Crystal better get used to the sight if a colostomy bag.

Hugh Hefner must be suffering from the early stages of Alzheimer’s disease because he’s engaged to Crystal Harris, again. The same Crystal Harris Hef was going to marry last year, who dumped him five days before the planned wedding, dropped a presumably horrible album, tried to get her own reality show, and sold her $90K engagement ring at auction for $38k.

Sources tell TMZ that Harris feels the time she spent apart from Hef really taught her how to be independent and stand on her own two feet.  I’m going to presume that she meant knees here. ‘Stand on her knees,’ makes a lot more sense.

The only reason anyone found Crystal interesting was because she was banging an octogenarian, and once that was over she didn’t really have a whole lot to offer (Courtney Stodden, take note).  So in an effort to claw her way back from obscurity, she’s engaged to marry Hef.  Again! On New Year’s Eve! OMG how romantic!

I’ve always thought Hugh Hefner was a somewhat intelligent person and I’m going to presume this is all happening because he’s senile and doesn’t realize that she’s the same person.  After all, there’s a lot of women hanging out at the Playboy Mansion who fit Crystal’s profile.

By Luke Ford [CC-BY-SA-2.5 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.5)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons