Dakota Fanning turned 18 last year, and she did what every American girl coming-of-age does these days, anal, I mean a nude scene, she’s doing a nude scene in her new movie Very Good Girls. Not everybody had the same experiences as me growing up apparently.
Just because Dakota’s reached that dubious milestone known in the porn industry as ‘barely legal,’ it doesn’t mean she’s going to stop dressing up in Disney sweaters and looking like the poster child for To Catch a Predator. And despite being a generally well-regarded actress, Dakota knows she won’t be taken seriously until everyone has seen her tits.
In fact, that’s the Girl’s Gone Wild motto: No one, especially your parents, will ever take you seriously until you show us your tits while doing a beer bong and making out with your best friend. That’s how Hillary Clinton got her start.
Dakota Fanning turned 18 last year, and she did what every American girl coming-of-age does these days, anal, I mean a nude scene, she’s doing a nude scene in her new movie Very Good Girls. Not everybody had the same experiences as me growing up apparently.
Just because Dakota’s reached that dubious milestone known in the porn industry as ‘barely legal,’ it doesn’t mean she’s going to stop dressing up in Disney sweaters and looking like the poster child for To Catch a Predator. And despite being a generally well-regarded actress, Dakota knows she won’t be taken seriously until everyone has seen her tits.
In fact, that’s the Girl’s Gone Wild motto: No one, especially your parents, will ever take you seriously until you show us your tits while doing a beer bong and making out with your best friend. That’s how Hillary Clinton got her start.
Throughout history there have been a handful of infamous lovers: Marc Anthony, Lord Byron, Casanova, Wilt Chamberlain and in out time, Larry King.
You don’t need me to tell you that Larry King is the pimp-player of television news anchors. The suspenders, the hair, the liver spots, the man is like Adonis reincarnate, sent from the Gods to make women swoon and verbally assault his interviewees with hard-hitting questions such as “are you gay?”
So when Katie Couric told Jimmy Kimmel about her date with Larry and claims she didn’t fall victim to his strut and swagger you know this bitch is lying,or a lesbian. Larry in action is like a tiger stalking its prey,taut and sleek,his well-defined hump bobbing gracefully between his shoulder blades, when Larry swoops in for the kill, no real woman can resist. From the Hollywood Reporter:
He picked her up at her apartment and took her to K Street for dinner.
“It was at one of these Italian restaurants where they put you right next to each other like they do all the men and their ‘nieces,'” Couric said, adding: “We had a nice enough time and we’re going home and I see that we’re going over [Arlington] Memorial Bridge, and this is not the way to my apartment. I said, ‘Larry, where are we going?’ And he said, ‘My place.’ Oh mother of god.”
Couric said that his apartment was covered with honors he’d received, like “Larry King Day” proclamations and the keys to various cities. “That was sexy,” she quipped.
She continued: “So we sat there, and what can I say? He lunged … and I started laughing a little bit because the whole situation was out of a bad Lifetime movie. I said, ‘Larry, you are such a nice man, but I would like to meet someone a little closer to my age.'”
This explains why Larry never wears a belt, a man like him has to be ready to go at a moment’s notice. Even if a God among men isn’t your thing Katie, you should have played along. Larry’s a powerful man. There’s a reason you didn’t make it as an evening news anchors, you blew it. And by ‘it’ I mean you’re chance for an unforgettable night with the legend that is Larry King, not the flaccid, shriveled penis of said legend.
Jennifer Lawrence is 22-years-old, one of the biggest stars in Hollywood, and she’s about to win an Oscar for her role in Silver Lining’s Playbook. So she’s gotta do something to make her self seem likable and indentifiable to the common man. And she did, by going on Jimmy Kimmel last night and telling him that her boobs are uneven.
You’re in the clear for now J-Law. I don’t know how you manage to keep winning and be so cute at the same time while Anne Hathaway comes off as an insufferable cunt, but you do.
If you’re able to move the muscles in your face prepare to raise your eyebrows and roll your eyes because despite looking like she does in the above picture, Nicole Kidman would like you to believe that she doesn’t get Botox. Via Radar:
In a new interview with Italian newspaper La Repubblica, the 45-year-old, who doesn’t have a wrinkle on her face, cops to getting Botox in the past but swears that her days of injections are long over and her current look was achieved by wearing sunscreen and taking care of herself – and RadarOnline.com has the details.
“No surgery for me,” Nicole insists in the interview.
“I did try Botox, unfortunately, but I got out of it and now I can finally move my face again.
Kidman, who described the decision to get Botox as an “unfortunate move,” and swears that she is “completely natural,” raised eyebrows in recent months during promotions for her movie The Paperboy, showing off an incredibly frozen forehead.
“I wear sunscreen, I don’t smoke and I take care of myself, and I am proud to say that,” she continued. “Anybody can do anything to themselves – I don’t judge – but personally I believe in being physically fit. That’s how I was raised.”
Nicole was married to Tom Cruise for eleven years so she knows a thing or two about living a life of delusion. That’s the only way a woman that looks like a wax figure of Joan Rivers could possibly convince herself that she looks natural.
Ron Jeremy (AKA Buster Cumgood from the film school classic Triple Penetration Debutante Sluts) is being treated at an LA hospital after suffering an aneurysm near his heart yesterday.
According to TMZ, Ron’s penis drove Ron to Cedars-Sinai Tuesday afternoon after Ron complained of chest pain.
“His famous schlong actually saved his life,” said Dr. Spooge Cruztamante,”That dick knew exactly what to do, getting him to the hospital just in time.”
According to nurse Candy Cockmore, the hospital staff is very excited to have the legendary penis in their ward.
“We’ve all seen Cheerleader Nurses,” said Cockmore,”We’re big fans. We hope we can convince Ron to revive the role of Dr. Izzy Quisling.”
It’s been another wild 24 hours in the wacky, fun-filled mess of a life that is Lindsay Lohan, leading up to her court appearance this morning. A court appearance Lindsay tried to get out of by having her new lawyer, Mark Heller send a note to the court saying she was too ill to fly from New York to LA, just like in high school.
Then a bunch of pictures were posted on TMZ of Lindsay walking around SoHo smoking cigarettes which kind of blew a hole in that story.
Then Lindsay and Dina did a few lines, and started to get paranoid wondering if maybe she should show up to court, so she called some ‘friends’ (i.e. her dealer, drug dealers have a pretty good understanding of the criminal justice system) who advised her to return to LA for the hearing. So Lindsay and Dina got a last minute flight landing at LAX at 12:30 am and then got turned away from Shutters hotel because she trashed a room back in 2007. So I’m guessing they slept in a dumpster in an alley in Venice Beach.
Fast forward to this morning, Lindsay makes it to court on time where the judge, Stephanie Saunter, told Lindsay she was glad she was feeling better and set a trial date for her lying-to-cops case for March 18, with a pretrial hearing on March 1. Saunter then announced she would be retiring March 1. Wait, WHAT?!!
Does Lindsay Lohan have ties with the mob or something? Isn’t it a little convenient the hard-ass judge who was supposed to set Lindsay straight is retiring the day the trial is supposed to begin? Who the fuck is Dina Lohan blowing?
The only way I’m going to be okay with this is if they replace Saunter with Judge Dredd and he executes Lindsay and Dina on the spot.
thevadge.com 