Monthly Archives: December 2012

Fuck Court! Lindsay’s Going to London With The Wanted.

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When I first heard Lindsay Lohan was riding around on the tour bus of The Wanted I assumed they were keeping her around for her business acumen and meaningful insights into the trappings of fame and fortune that could help the newly-famous young men walk a straight line.  Then I remembered it was Lindsay Lohan and she probably has a connect for really good blow.

And now the boys of The Wanted are taking their drug mule international.  Lindsay is skipping her court date in Los Angeles this Wednesday and flying off to London and Dubai with the 5-member band because I’m pretty sure she can score drugs in those cities too.

But don’t worry, Lindsay isn’t required to appear in court and will be represented by her attorney, Shawn Holley.  Well that’s good, she needs a break from her crushing personal problems, and nothing says ‘vacation’ like speedballs and a five-on-one gang bang.

Image:© Glenn Francis, http://www.PacificProDigital.com

West Virginia Senator Wants MTV to Stop Making Fun of Him.

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Above: Snooki, from MTV’s Jersey Shore has made a name for herself with her secretion and excessive consumption of various fluids.

MTV has made it their business to get the most depraved, idiotic, willing-to-swap-bodily-secretion degenerates they can find, and give them a national platform to showcase what an affront they are to human decency (Jersey Shore, Teen Mom, The Hills, etc.) Following in that vein, the new series Buck Wild is set to premiere January 3, but not if U.S. Senator Joe Manchin of West Virginia can stop it.

According to the Huffington Post:

Manchin’s office sent a letter to the president of the network saying the show profits off of “poor decisions of our youth.” And plays to ugly, inaccurate stereotypes about the people of his home state.

The network ordered 12 episodes of the show last fall, and a trailer shows the cast drinking and swearing, four-wheeling and fighting, even filling a dump truck with water and using it as a swimming pool. It was shot in Sissonville and Charleston.

No Senator, I would say that sounds like a fairly accurate depiction, but they better make quick with the incest, moonshine and road-kill barbeque or I might call fraud. Makes you wonder what lucky, backwoods yokel is anxiously waiting in the wings giving blow-jobs for her chance to become the next Snooki. Ahh, the stuff dreams are made of.

Image:BybTabercil (Snooki_in_Chicago.jpg) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Coco on Ice after Picture Scandal

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RadarOnline is reporting that has-been rapper, Ice-T is furious  after pictures have surfaced of his made-from-blow-up-doll-leftovers wife, Coco, was photographed getting cozy with rapper AP.9 at her topless Las Vegas revue, Peepshow. The 33-year-old-Coco was photographed…wait a minute. WTF? 33? Bitch is 33? She looks 45 desperately trying to pull off 44. Holy Shit! Cancel my Botox appointment.

Wow, okay, moving on. Mediatakeout.com posted pictures of  Coco kissing the other man on the cheek and him nuzzling her neck. Although I checked on the site and it appears the photos have been removed, that hasn’t stopped Ice-T and Coco from hashing out their marital strife via Twitter. Because what better way to keep your relationship fresh than hammering out your problems indirectly in front of 1.4 million people using 144-character sentences?

Ice began tweeting  “Most of them disrespectful and in bad taste. She’s made me look..And feel like s—,” then adding “Don’t get it twisted…I’m not happy about this s—.”

He later deleted the tweets and signed off telling fans to ask Coco about the incident.  Because I guess it’s easier for them to do that than him.

She responded, tweeting “Ice is right, the pics I took with this man were in poor taste & I disrespected my husband however the pics were the only thing that happened.”

She later tweeted “I feel so sad the bottom line is I love Ice & can understand why he’s upset there’s no excuse for my actions.  I’m so sorry baby.”

The couple’s twitter followers are now anxiously waiting to see if Ice will accept Coco’s heartfelt apology. Because if a high-end stripper with a fake ass, and a 90’s rapper-turned-actor can’t make it work, who can?

Psy Hates America

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Gangnam Style video contains subliminal message to dance

It’s a classic case, a quirky Korean wins over America with his visually pleasing , homoerotic video and once he has us completely in his grasp with his mesmerizing dance moves – POW- he launches his assualt and we’re embroiled in another World War.  Look it up, that’s what led up to Pearl Harbor, and if we don’t get with it, it’s going to happen again with that lovable Korean pop singer, Psy.  He’s cute because we can’t understand what he’s saying. But apparently someone at Mediate can, and it might be a little damaging to his reputation here in the states:

“During a 2002 protest concert against the presence of 37,000 American troops in Korea, PSY took the stage in gold face-paint and, with the crowd egging him on, lifted a miniature “American tank” and smashed it on the ground to massive applause. UPDATE: The performance was inspired by the recent death of two Korean school girls who were run over by an American tank in South Korea. The soldiers driving the tank were acquitted by a US military court.

And then in 2004, a Korean missionary was captured in Iraq by Islamists who demanded that South Korea not send troops to aid America in the war in Iraq. Seoul refused to negotiate and the missionary was beheaded. The result: massive protests throughout Korea against both Muslim extremism and the U.S. military for indirectly bringing this fate upon a Korean missionary.

As part of the protests, PSY and several other popular Korean musicians put on a live performance of a Korean rock band’s song ‘Dear American.’ When PSY’s turn came, he rapped:

 ‘Kill those f—ing Yankees who have been torturing Iraqi captives/Kill those f—ing Yankees who ordered them to torture/Kill their daughters, mothers, daughters-in-law and fathers/Kill them all slowly and painfully.'”

In his defense though, I’m pretty sure that’s how all Asian people talk, it’s colloquial or something.

Image:By Eva Rinaldi  Uploaded by MyCanon (Psy) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Douche of the Week

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This award was initially going to go to Gwyneth Paltrow for giving this cunty interview to InStyle magazine . But then I found this guy, and remembered that Gwyneth Paltrow is always a douche, and she’ll most certainly be up for consideration in the future, whereas this guy is gonna crash and burn and be relegated to obscurity before 2013.

Who is ‘this guy’? He’s Nick Gruber, the 22-year-old  man-whore who’s about to release a tell-all book about his time spent as Calvin Klein’s boy-toy. Some highlights from Gruber’s interview with Page Six:

“I don’t know why, but there’s, like, something about me that attracts everyone. I have a nickname called Romeo. I get every girl, and even guys. Something about me draws them all in.”

It’s like, blowjobs.

“Paradoxically, even though Gruber had an ‘exclusive’ relationship with Klein for two-and-a-half years, he insists he is straight. There’s no doubt that sex is his currency.

While Gruber won’t elaborate on how he met Klein, stating, ‘I’m leaving it for the book,’ he says they were introduced by friends when he was 20 and in the army. At the time, the military still enforced its ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy, and he wanted out, so he says he claimed to be gay…

As proof, he says he handed over a bisexual porn video he filmed while in high school in Santa Rosa, Calif.”

Who didn’t make a bisexual porn in high school? It’s like, a rite of passage. Eventually Gruber’s relationship with Klein turned sour; Klein took back the quarter-million dollar Bentley he gave Gruber, Gruber went to rehab, and then moved to L.A. where dreams really do come true, read on!

“He was at a court-mandated A.A. meeting there in June when he met another older, richer man with a famous last name: 48-year-old John Luciano, the grand- nephew of notorious mobster Lucky Luciano…That said, Gruber’s got a new BMW motorcycle, paid for by his generous new boyfriend. And this time, unlike the Bentley, the title’s in his name.”

So he went from a $250,000 Bentley to a BMW Motorcycle? Those things cost less than my Corolla. At this rate he’ll be doing donkey shows in Tijuana for an ‘87 Buick Regal before January.

Image:PD

Royal Baby Claims its First Victim

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Above: The media shit-storm surrounding the royal fetus has caused it to to grow power disproportionate to its size.

In what can only be a precedent of the blood-shed that is to come, Prince William and Kate Middleton’s unborn fetus has already claimed the life of its first victim.

The Daily Mail is reporting that the receptionist at King Edward VII hospital who put the now infamous prank phone-call through to Middleton’s room has been found dead, in what police are calling an apparent suicide.

So not only has this evil spawn put its own mother in the hospital, it’s now taking outside victims too. Don’t you people get it? It feeds on the power of the media, you’re only making it stronger! I don’t want to sound like a Doomsday profit, but by the time this baby is born it will have grown powerful enough to take over the world; creating a new order of power with England dominating as our Imperialistic overlords.

*All joking aside, this truly is a tragedy, and an indictment on us all that a hard-working, innocent mother lost her life because of our overwhelming obsession with royalty and wealth.

By Stephen Michalowicz [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

The Daily Discharge

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Above: Included in the price of Lindsay’s cheap taffeta gown is a blow-job from Lindsay herself!

If you’ve ever wanted to own clothes that smell like stale cigarette smoke, mingled with a tangy blend of dried vomit and semen, now might be your chance! Radaronline

The only thing better than JWoww jumping off a very high platform is if she wears a bathing suit while doing it. Hollywoodreporter

Have you ever wanted to make a porno with your mom? Me either!  Huffingtonpost

Taylor Swift showcases why she’s about to get dumped again. Dlisted

Image:Fame/Flynet