Zooey Deschanel Isn’t as Hot as You Thought

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I don’t know how I almost missed this story, because this shit is important! If you’re the kind of guy who spends your day jerking off to thoughts of Zooey Deschanel coming over and playing X-Box with you, put down your wiener right now!

Zooey was photographed Monday night with ugly bumps on her eyelids, and according to the Daily Mail, they might be an indicator of high cholesterol. I know, super gross, right? I bet you totally just lost your boner. A man’s gotta have standards for his imaginary girlfriend, like a perfect body, shiny hair and a cholesterol reading within normal range.

But don’t worry, above are five acceptable substitutes, except one’s annoying as fuck, one’s British and the other three I have no idea who the fuck they are. So go ahead, pick one, and finish up your fap session. I won’t watch.