When I heard that Kanye West walked head first into a pole, my first thought was ‘Please God, let that pole be pointy and brain-penetrating.’ No such luck.

‘Well then,’ I thought, ‘At least let me witness the exact moment when his thick, ego-inflated skull hits this thing because I imagine the sound would be something akin to hearing the Bell of King Seongdeok, but with more swearing.’ Again, I was denied my Schadenfreude.

And I wonder, how is it that Kim Kardashian lets the paparazzi know her exact location so they can follow her every move, and the one time, the one opportunity they had to bring joy and happiness to the world, they fail? It’s like how Operation Valkyrie failed to kill Hitler, but worse.