Justin Theroux Almost, Maybe, Kind-of, Sort-of Died

File:Justin Theroux at the 2008 Tribeca Film Festival.JPG

Last week Jennifer Aniston’s husband, Justin Theroux went on Live with Kelly and Michael and revealed how he ALMOST DIED scuba diving on their honeymoon.

Justin describes a how his first diving lesson was a lovely, pleasant, non-life threatening experience, but on the second day he went out on a boat, and the instructor was *gasp* FRENCH, and his English wasn’t very good! After diving to a depth of 40 feet, Justin realized his oxygen was low, but the instructor ignored him.

“He just kept swimming away from me,” Theroux said. “I got to my friend and said, ‘Dude, look.’ And he said, ‘Oh my God, you are about to die.'”

Justin was eventually able to get the instructor’s attention

“He pulls the emergency respirator out, puts it in my mouth, hits this clear button, which sends all these bubbles out, and it sends water down my throat,” Theroux continued. “So now I’m also linked to this jerk because now I have to swim alongside him and finally he rolls his eyes and we go up.”

The instructor rolled his eyes? Doesn’t this kind of play into the condescending French stereotype a bit much? Haven’t the French been through enough this year Justin?

Now, all and all this would be a terrifying experience, but then I read Justin’s Shopping Tips on Yahoo!  this week and realized Justin might be a bit of an exaggerator.

“We usually have a great Christmas tree-trimming party and that’s always a lot of fun,” the Leftovers star told Yahoo Celebrity, noting that they “let the kids do the actual tree trimming,” but that hardly means he and the Mrs. are off the hook. “The next morning we go out and we realize little kids are short and they’ve really almost killed the tree by hanging all of the ornaments on the bottom,” he laughed. “The next morning, we have to fix it. We get up early and go in and we redistribute the ornaments correctly, you know, so the tree doesn’t die.” So far, their rescue missions have proven successful.

They almost…killed…the tree? With ornaments? I didn’t realize improper ornament distribution could be fatal to a tree. Isn’t the tree already dead? And even if they used a live tree, could a bunch of ornaments hanging on the bottom kill it? This one got to me so much I did some extensive googling to see if something like that could really kill a tree. Nothing. What the fuck is he talking about? Plus he adds the “you know” like it’s established fact.

“I don’t wank off in the toilet because, you know, I don’t want an army of DNA identical mutants of myself forming in the sewer.”

Add this to the the time when Jen described how eating at McDonald’s almost killed her, and it seems Justin and Jen live their lives in a bullshit, la-la wonderland where a bowel movement becomes a life or death experience, cuz you know, the mutants, and they save the planet on a weekly basis buying over-priced organic at Whole Foods.

Image:By David Shankbone (David Shankbone) [CC BY 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

 

 

 

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