Khloe Made a Sex Tape. Of Course She Did.

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In order to prove there’s porn out there for just about everyone, even people who have ever wondered  what it would be like to watch a Yeti and an Enderman engage in a battle to the death only to be overcome by passion and end up mating instead, Khloe Kardashian revealed on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live that she is in possession of a sex tape featuring herself and estranged Husband Lamar Odom.

“I’ve definitely recorded myself having sex with my ex-husband,” the reality star told host Andy Cohen. Khloe then revealed the tape was kept in her safe.

“But it’s an unlocked safe, in a poorly secured storage unit in the Valley, and there’s a few copies I’ve given to some friends for personal use,  I might have even accidentally mailed one to Vivid. But please! Don’t look at it! I’d be so embarrassed!”

Jusitn Bieber is Banging Hailey Baldwin, I’m Sure This Will Go Over Well

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Justin Beiber has made it official he is indeed putting his suspiciously large dick inside Hailey Baldwin when he posted the above pic of the pair on Sunday night. And since the entire Baldwin family and Justin are all known for their even temperaments and good judgement I’m sure this is a relationship bound for longevity and hopefully, murder-suicide.

“Now let’s flush all this New’s Year’s resolution shit about ‘making better choices’ down the toilet, and not use a condom.”

Image: Instagram

Miley Cyrus & Liam Hemsworth Might be Hooking Up Again; So Why Am I Still Fat?

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The beginning of 2016 felt a lot like 2011, in that Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth appeared to be back together after ringing in the new year and getting caught being affectionate at some Australian music festival that I imagine involved a didgeridoo. Except then I looked around and saw I was still 40 lbs. heavier and unemployed, with two kids and that my life was essentially over.  Yeah, it’s 2016.

But enough bout me and the demise of my hopes and dreams, let us focus on the young and exhibitionistic. Since Miley spent 2015 parading her vagina around with Wayne Coyne in some kind of over-the-top Thai ping-pong show, let’s hope this rumor is true. It’s time someone wrestled Miley to the ground and stuffed that thing into some pants, and since Liam is Australian I’m sure he’s up for the task, it’ll be just like ‘gator hunting, but with more teeth.

Photo: Instagram

Nicki Minaj Performs for Angolan Dictator, Farts a Hole in Her Nylon

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I wouldn’t expect a person as vacuous and self-obsessed as Nicki Minaj to, you know, give a fuck about other people and their suffering,and my expectations we’re well met Saturday when Nicki traveled to Angola to perform at a holiday party hosted by Unitel, a telecom company controlled by the country’s ruthless dictator, José Eduardo, to the tune of $2 million.

Via Page6:

Dos Santos has ruled Angola since 1979, exerting control through rigged elections and suppression of dissent.

This year, his regime killed some 200 members of an opposition party and imprisoned 17 activists for reading about nonviolent resistance.

He stole at least $32 billion in oil revenue from his country, the International Monetary Fund alleges.

Nearly 70 percent of Angola’s 21 million citizens survive on less than $2 per day, and few have regular electricity.

In response to the outrage expressed over her receiving money most likely stolen from people who can’t afford one of her songs on itunes, Minaj posted the above picture of  her bejeweled backside. Let them eat ass!

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Because I’m more of a areola girl, the only thing I noticed in this picture was the hole right about where her butt hole should be. My scientific mind immediately knew the only thing that could have caused such destruction in a  well-made and expensive piece of nylon is gas. Explosive, acrid, hair-singing gas. And obviously, I’m a mature, well-adjusted adult who doesn’t make fun of celebrities to escape my family and ho-hum, unsatisfying existence.

Photo: Instagram Nickiminaj

Olivia Wilde: Child Porn Provacateur

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File:Olivia Wilde crop.jpg

Perhaps that headline was a little overreaching, and since the entire internet has already weighed in on whether or not it was appropriate for Olivia Wilde to post the below picture of her naked son’s ass to her Instagram, I will keep this short. For the sake of disclosure, I am fond of baby butt’s, they’re all squishy, and cheesy, and cute, and as a matter of fact I’m looking at one right now; my youngest likes to take off her diaper and shit on the floor. So let’s hope I can wrap up this post before that happens.

So here’s the problem with posting nude pictures of your kids on the internet, and before you get all defensive and say “but it’s cute and innocent, and you’re sick to even think of it like that” remember: Even a person as inept with computers as myself could take a program like Microsoft Paint (Paint, dammit!)  and turn that image into something that would get me arrested in every country except Japan. Which means someone with skill and a professional version of Photoshop could turn your ‘cute’ picture into something that would make Jared Fogel ashamed to wank off to (but he still would.) I made a doodle using Paint to prove my point, but until CPS quits breathing down my neck, I thought it might not be a good idea to post it. Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a turd on my floor I have to clean up before the social worker arrives. Those people are so anal.

Image: Cristiano Del Riccio [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Instagram: oliviawilde

Khloe Kardashian Pie-Gate is a Thing

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Khloe captioned the original post, "I am sooooo proud of myself lol can I say that??? I filmed on a tripod, in my kitchen a lot of me baking and prepping for today so I will have that up on my app soon!!! I love testing myself and seeing what I can accomplish and actually make successfully! Now let's pray it tastes as great as they look! This monkey bread is going to be so f---ing bomb."

If you ever wanted to know how the Kardashian family has managed to infiltrate every dark, sweaty, lint-filled crevice of the media, look no further than TMZ, and their ground-breaking reporting on  Khloe Kardashian posting pictures of  pies on her Instagram that she claims to have baked,  but closely resembled pies from a popular L.A. bakery. And yes, I am well aware of the irony that while I’m complaining about something so mundane being news, I am nontheless going to waste my time and yours bitching about it being news in the first place. What can I say. it’s trickle down economics.

Note: I know nothing about economics.

So in order to draw attention away from what the history books will describe as ‘pie-gate,’ Khloe went ahead and flashed what may be her labia. Or it may be a a honey-baked ham, it is the holidays. If you’re dying to turn your head ninety degrees, while furrowing your brow and mumbling ‘what the fuck,’ then you can see the picture here. I for one have small children in the house, and when CPS finally comes to investigate, I don’t plan on having pictures like that stored on my computer. Not that there’s any connection between Khloe Kardashian and gross negligence, but it might reflect poorly on my character.

Image: Khloe Kardashian Instagram

Justin Theroux Almost, Maybe, Kind-of, Sort-of Died

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File:Justin Theroux at the 2008 Tribeca Film Festival.JPG

Last week Jennifer Aniston’s husband, Justin Theroux went on Live with Kelly and Michael and revealed how he ALMOST DIED scuba diving on their honeymoon.

Justin describes a how his first diving lesson was a lovely, pleasant, non-life threatening experience, but on the second day he went out on a boat, and the instructor was *gasp* FRENCH, and his English wasn’t very good! After diving to a depth of 40 feet, Justin realized his oxygen was low, but the instructor ignored him.

“He just kept swimming away from me,” Theroux said. “I got to my friend and said, ‘Dude, look.’ And he said, ‘Oh my God, you are about to die.'”

Justin was eventually able to get the instructor’s attention

“He pulls the emergency respirator out, puts it in my mouth, hits this clear button, which sends all these bubbles out, and it sends water down my throat,” Theroux continued. “So now I’m also linked to this jerk because now I have to swim alongside him and finally he rolls his eyes and we go up.”

The instructor rolled his eyes? Doesn’t this kind of play into the condescending French stereotype a bit much? Haven’t the French been through enough this year Justin?

Now, all and all this would be a terrifying experience, but then I read Justin’s Shopping Tips on Yahoo!  this week and realized Justin might be a bit of an exaggerator.

“We usually have a great Christmas tree-trimming party and that’s always a lot of fun,” the Leftovers star told Yahoo Celebrity, noting that they “let the kids do the actual tree trimming,” but that hardly means he and the Mrs. are off the hook. “The next morning we go out and we realize little kids are short and they’ve really almost killed the tree by hanging all of the ornaments on the bottom,” he laughed. “The next morning, we have to fix it. We get up early and go in and we redistribute the ornaments correctly, you know, so the tree doesn’t die.” So far, their rescue missions have proven successful.

They almost…killed…the tree? With ornaments? I didn’t realize improper ornament distribution could be fatal to a tree. Isn’t the tree already dead? And even if they used a live tree, could a bunch of ornaments hanging on the bottom kill it? This one got to me so much I did some extensive googling to see if something like that could really kill a tree. Nothing. What the fuck is he talking about? Plus he adds the “you know” like it’s established fact.

“I don’t wank off in the toilet because, you know, I don’t want an army of DNA identical mutants of myself forming in the sewer.”

Add this to the the time when Jen described how eating at McDonald’s almost killed her, and it seems Justin and Jen live their lives in a bullshit, la-la wonderland where a bowel movement becomes a life or death experience, cuz you know, the mutants, and they save the planet on a weekly basis buying over-priced organic at Whole Foods.

Image:By David Shankbone (David Shankbone) [CC BY 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons