Might Still Be Eligible as Hillary Clinton’s Running Mate

When I first heard video had surfaced of Ariana Grande ‘licking’ a ‘donut’ I thought it was a euphemism for something far less disgusting than her literally licking a donut inside a Lake Elsinore donut shop. But alas, somehow an entitled, wealthy, recording star in her early 20’s somehow forgot we live in an age where everything is recorded and that even the most innocuous videos will live on the internet forever; and even though I’m pretty sure at one point she looks directly at the camera,  she adds that she hates America to boot!  Gotta love the young folks!

Don’t worry, it’s not what it looks like, she just didn’t know she was being filmed. She doesn’t America, just fat Americans! Which is pretty much all of us.

“I am extremely proud to be an American and I’ve always made it clear that I love my country. What I said in a private moment with my friend Ryann, who was buying the donuts, was taken out of context and I am sorry for not using more discretion with my choice of words.

“As an advocate for healthy eating, food is very important to me and I sometimes get upset by how freely we as Americans eat and consume things without giving any thought to the consequences that it has on our health and society as a whole. The fact that the United States has the highest child obesity rate in the world frustrates me…. However I should have known better in how I expressed myself; and with my new responsibility to others as a public figure I will strive to be better.”

First of all bitch, WRONG, Greece has the World’s highest child obesity rate, though something tells me not for long, hello austerity measures! If you’re going to have your publicist write an apology at least have them check the facts, you wouldn’t want to appear like some stupid, self-important cunt would you? Second,  you’re complain about how freely American’s consume things without thought of consequence? You licked food that other people are going to eat, how’s that for  public health and society? The guy in the bandana you were making out with looks like a walking ad for Valtrex. I’m sure nobody ever thought they could catch herpes from eating a donut, but hey, this is America, anything’s possible, even Adriana Grande being famous.

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Now that the Supreme Court has declared gay marriage legal, I can finally eat at Chick-Fil-A without feeling like I’m being false to my personal beliefs. I would  like to make it clear that I still ate at Chick-Fil-A before this week’s ruling; My convictions aren’t strong enough to overcome convenience and a desire for fried foods, but for the record, I always felt bad about it. And fuck, I already look like shit, do I have to feel like shit too? Why do I have to feel bad about everything all the time?

So thank you Supreme Court for absolving me of my guilt. Giving money to a corporation that could in turn use that money to support groups that want to deny gay people what I feel is a basic right is wrong, but oh my God, have you ever had their Spicy Chicken Deluxe Sandwich? And waffle fries, they have waffle fries! I dare a gay person to dip a waffle fry into a cup of Chick-Fil-A sauce and then tell me how they feel about ‘personal freedom.’ So don’t judge me! I’m a mom, and they have a playground for fuck’s sake!

Not to mention, the people working there are so fucking polite, It’s like they’re actually happy to be there.  Not like those ‘ethnic’ people with bad attitudes working at McDonald’s who act like you’re inconveniencing them by asking for a refill on your iced tea. I wouldn’t have to ask if you just put the tea out on the fucking counter, asshole! I didn’t want to have to interact with you either!

In summation, it’s a nice idea to be true to your beliefs and everything, but that usually means not getting what you want, or paying four times as much for organic, or leaving your house to go to the struggling mom and pop store when Amazon will deliver that shit to your front door the next day for cheaper than what you would pay for gas. A great man once said “Give me convenience, or give me death.”

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Jon Snow ie. Kit Harrington, I would totes fuck him.

After five seasons of Game of Thrones I was never able to fully decide if I wanted to have sex with Jon Snow or not, but that all changed last night when I had a very titillating dream about a certain Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. Did I mention this post might contain some spoilers? Fuck you and your notions that the internet has to pussy foot around because you’re behind a few seasons.

My biggest complaint about Game of Thrones has to be the lack of desirable male characters. Jaime could pass for attractive, but he’s a sister-fucker, and his nose looks like a dick with a cleft palette. Loras is alright but he’s a queer so his lack of interest in me makes me hate him. And Robb was pretty hot, but he was also a mama’s boy. For a while I entertained some sexy notions about the Hound, but I always wanted something more. And now I  have it!

I’m a stay-at-home mom, whose husband is currently out of town, so it doesn’t take a whole lot for me these days, but let’s just say this dream involved a pair of  salad tongs, a can of tuna and a Pomeranian; Yeah, it was hot. Like wow hot. I’ve always been on the fence about  Jon Snow. He’s a pretty boy, and kind of a bitch, and I don’t like his nose. I expect a lot out of my fantasies, as does any other overweight, bibliophile with bad hygiene passing judgement behind the anonymity of a computer screen. But the way he handled those tongs! Whatever reservations I had vanished like a can of Chicken of the Sea (Jon would get that, wink wink.) So with that, I am pleased to announce that I would totally fuck Jon Snow; If he were a real person, and if he agrees to keep his hair out his face and stops doing that sullen, poutty-thing with his mouth all the time; And do something about those fucking eyebrows! Somebody please forward him this post and let him know I’m available any night after eight and most days between the hours of one and three. Mention the phrase ‘Tuna Tong,’ that oughta bring him back from the dead.

Moving on. Tyrion. I have always maintained that if I had to fuck a dwarf, I would totally fuck Peter Dinklage, with ‘midget #2′ from the Lollipop Guild in Wizard of Oz coming in at a distant second. I have now decided to remove the qualifier from that statement and just say outright that I would fuck Peter Dinklage. That’s the news for the day, I’m sure there was some other stuff about black people getting killed by cops or something, and I think the Supreme Court said gays can marry their cats if  the cat consents, but I’m a white, middle-class mom who doesn’t even bother to put on pants most days and those things don’t affect me.

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Those of you who follow this site have probably noticed that I haven’t posted anything in several months, if you’ve still been checking the site regularly hoping for an update, my apologies, you should’ve given up back in November like all my other ‘loyal’ readers, loser. Anyway, I was experiencing some ‘health’ issues involving some kind of pesky ‘growth’ around my vadge, turns out it was a ‘baby.’

So now I have two children under the age of two and can completely understand where Andrea Yates was coming from (Kidding! Don’t call the cops!)

With what little spare time I have, I’m hoping to expand the site to include more content than me just making fun of celebrities. Like cats! And maybe even videos of cats! So I’ll hopefully go from doing nothing for the past four months to going bigger and better than ever. That doesn’t sound overly ambitious and destined for failure.

I’m still trying to figure out WordPress and a way to make multiple pages on my site that aren’t static so I can add new posts to separate pages. Any advice from someone who knows how to do this or knows of a custom theme that would allow me to do this would be greatly appreciated. In return I can offer a couple ounces of frozen breastmilk and some literature on birth control. Let me know if you’re interested!

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Lindsay Lohan Gets Her Day (Again) In Court

Ashley Horn, Lindsay Lohan's half sister.

I added the top photo to keep things in perspective. The daughter that Michael Lohan fathered with another woman 18 years ago, Ashley Horn, has undergone a series of procedures in order to make her look more like her half-sister, Lindsay Lohan. Which, I can’t believe I’m saying this, means that whatever minute amount of intelligence and common sense that remains in Lindsay’s delusional, smoke-filled brain, came from Dina Lohan. So yes, there’s someone out there even dumber than Lindsay Lohan, and yes, she’s related to Lindsay Lohan. From In Touch:

Ashley Horn may not have a relationship with her estranged half sister Lindsay Lohan, but she sure looks like her!

After $25,000 worth of procedures to look more like half sis Lindsay, Ashley debuted her post-surgery results exclusively in the new issue ofIn Touch.

“I’ve gotten rhinoplasty, a bit of refinement underneath my cheeks and jawline, some fat injected into my chin and some fat injected into my upper cheeks,” she reveals of her five procedures by Houston-based surgeon Dr. Franklin Rose.

Ashley, 18, whose mom, Kristi, had a brief affair with Lindsay’s dad, Michael, in the early ’90s when he was married to now ex-wife Dina, adds, “My goal was to look like Lindsay in her good days, when she was around 18, 19 years old.”

And now? “I’m hotter than Lindsay!,” she explains. “I have no problem saying that.”

I don’t want to be too mean because she’s only 18 and it’s sad her only sense of value in herself is that with a lot of work and squinting your eyes she kind of resembles her washed-up, yet still famous half-sister who she doesn’t even have a relationship with, but really? It cost $25,000 to make her look like that? I’m pretty sure she could have transformed herself into some kind of  indestructible cyborg that shoots lasers out of her eyes for that kind of money. Lindsay actually looks good when you put her picture up next to hers. If the look she was going for was “chubby-faced teen with too much makeup on in a Glamour Shots photo,” you can get that at the  MAC counter at Macy’s for about $50. She could’ve use the other $24,950 to pay for a college education. My guess is she’s going to need it.

Images: Fame/Flynet, In Touch

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iHeartRadio Music Festival Village

I’m going to leave the comments to you guys, because I’m pretty sure anyone who googled “Miley Cyrus Camel Toe,” and ended up on this site wasn’t exactly looking for my commentary about a young woman cramming her over-sized ham sandwich into a pair of hot pants and going on a raised platform so that photos could be taken of her over-exposed vagina from below. The picture speaks for itself.Jennifer Lopez, your reign as the world’s biggest cameltoe has been usurped. Miley Cyrus, you have arrived.

Image:Fame/Flynet

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The Emmys were Sunday night, and since nobody gives a fuck about them and no one bothered to flash their vadge or anything to make this shit interesting, the big story was that the producers of the Emmys overlooked honoring three-time Emmy winner Jack Klugman in place of no-time Emmy winner and deceased heroin addict Cory Monteith (take note, kids!) Now a few people, as in one person, Jack Klugman’s son, is upset that his father was overlooked in favor of some guy who’s now just as famous for dying of an overdose as he is for the three seasons he spent on a show where thirty-year-olds  sing cover songs while pretending to be high school students, pathetic I know, and by that I mean the whole concept of Glee.

I’ll be honest, before Cory died I had no idea who he was, and I still have no idea who Jack Klugman is, despite the fact that I’m sitting in front of a computer at this very moment and it would take me less than 2 seconds to Google him, I just don’t feel like it. However, I do know this: Jack Klugman is old and hasn’t been on television in a million years and Cory was still pretty hot when he died even if he was a junkie. What I am saying is, it doesn’t matter what you accomplish in your life, what matters is looking your best and dying at a tragically young age.

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jaden smith

If there’s two points I continuously bring up on this site it’s that Twitter is the playground for the barely literate, and that celebrity children are contributing to the demise of the human race. Case in point: Jaden Smith’s Twitter account, where he tweeted the above gems that could only come from the mind of an entitled, 15-year-old twat, who thinks that four and a half million people give a fuck about what he thinks. And he’s right, that many people actually follow him on Twitter, which really drives homes my first point. Dope is dope, but school is for fools!

Part of me wants to say that he’s being ironic because a person who’s never attended a real day of school, but will nonetheless have a wildly successful life due to the virtue of having wealthy, well-connected parents that hook him up with record deals and a seven-figure acting gigs, couldn’t possibly be telling his proletariat followers that bettering yourself through education is stupid. But then I remembered that not only is Jaden Smith friends with Justin Bieber, he’s also dating one of the Jenner girls, the ugly one, and doesn’t see anything wrong with that. This kid wouldn’t get irony if it appeared as a scab on his genitals.

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Miley Cyrus went on the Elvis Duran Radio Show to explain the deep meaning behind the video for Wrecking Ball, a song that literally took five people to write, none of whom were Miley Cyrus. Nonetheless, Miley wants us to know that shooting this video had a profound emotional toll, and even though if you look close enough you can actually see the contours of her taint, Miley would prefer it if you looked into her eyes instead. She’s hurting you guys!

I think the video is much more [than nudity]. If people get past the point I make, and you actually look at me, you can tell I look more broken than even the song sounds. The song is a pop ballad that everyone can relate to; everyone has felt that feeling at some point. If people can take their minds off the obvious and go into their imagination and see what the video really means, it is so vulnerable. If you look at my eyes, I look more sad than actually my voice sounds on the record. It was a lot harder to do the video than it was to record the song. It was much more of an emotional experience.”

I’m sorry Miley, you were saying something? Typically, when your vagina’s showing, people don’t really pay attention to what’s coming out of your mouth, but I’m sure there will be plenty of thought put into what can go in it.

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Jeremy Bieber (pictured above) is primarily responsible for all the ills and instances of douchebaggery in the world.

While Justin Bieber’s mom goes around saying abortion is horrible because if she had an abortion twenty years ago there would be no Justin Bieber and she would still be working a low-paying job, Justin Bieber reminds the world why not only should abortion be legal, but allowed to be retroactively implemented for the first twenty years of the child’s life. In the midst of all this, we overlook the fact that Justin Bieber’s underdeveloped, hairless Y-chromosome had to have come from somewhere. I had just assumed that since most boys learn about manhood and masculinity from their fathers, that Justin Bieber was raised entirely by women and didn’t know what a penis was until an educational trip to the shower with Usher.

But I was reminded that Justin Bieber really did grow up with a male role model by this article from E! that states Justin flew home to Canada to be with his father while he underwent knee surgery, and after seeing one picture of the man attached to the testicle that provided the sperm for the most insufferably obnoxious twat on the planet, I now know why Justin Bieber is what he is. In fact, you could sum up Justin Bieber by saying he’s what you would get if Vanilla Ice, Michelle Bachman and a bottle of maple syrup had a threesome.

 

 

 

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