An Acceptance Speech From Susan Sarandon’s Cleavage

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First of all, we would like to say what an honor it is for us to be up here. Secondly, we would like to say, it’s about fucking time! If only we had received this kind of attention forty years ago, we might not have been so compelled to keep ’em swinging well in to middle age and beyond, but then again, we wouldn’t be here tonight. Sure, you could have chose to focus your attention and your ‘Internet’ on breasts a half or even a third of our age, but you chose us, and seeing all the magnificent celebrity tits available for viewing on ‘Insta-message’ and knowing you still picked us makes it that much more meaningful. We know by tomorrow you’ll have moved on to the next pair, the next vadge flash, the next tweet-tweet, but tonight is our night and we would like to end by saying, don’t sell yourselves short! Every 20-year-old’s tits are a work of art, but to have amazing breasts at almost 70 is a labor of love, and that makes your appreciation so much more meaningful. Thank you and Goodnight!

BrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrBrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrBrrrrrrrrrrrrrrBrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

By GabboT (Meddler 10) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Leave Barbie Alone Dammit!

Mattel Can't Update Barbie Without Running Into Updated Problems

Mattel unrolled its new Barbie dolls today, which now come in three body types-curvy, petite and tall- as well as a wide variety of skin, hair and eye colors. Let me start by saying I’m all for promoting a more diverse standard of beauty and as the mother of two young girls I’m glad that…wait, no, fuck that.

I love Barbie because she’s the tall, skinny, blonde Scandinavian with an impossibly small nose that I could never be.  She was my hot, slutty friend who allowed me to vicariously live the life my parents would never approve of and my squat Italian figure would never give me: Giving blow jobs to Ken in the back seat of the Jeep, and pondering with my sister, Skipper, if we should tell him about the baby or just get the abortion.

Since Barbie’s inception, she’s been criticized by certain ‘groups’ for promoting an unrealistic standard of beauty and causing issues of body-image in young girls, I however like to think I have a little more depth than to blame my numerous personal problems on a doll. My soul-crushing insecurity, my inability to form meaningful relationships,  my numerous home plastic surgery attempts and the fact that the only thing I’ve eaten today is a Kale salad from Costco obviously stem from a lack of a father figure.

In summation, making Barbie shorter and fatter isn’t going to make anyone feel better about themselves, it’s just going to remind us all what we really look like. No thank you.

Image: Mattel

 

Khloe Made a Sex Tape. Of Course She Did.

 

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In order to prove there’s porn out there for just about everyone, even people who have ever wondered  what it would be like to watch a Yeti and an Enderman engage in a battle to the death only to be overcome by passion and end up mating instead, Khloe Kardashian revealed on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live that she is in possession of a sex tape featuring herself and estranged Husband Lamar Odom.

“I’ve definitely recorded myself having sex with my ex-husband,” the reality star told host Andy Cohen. Khloe then revealed the tape was kept in her safe.

“But it’s an unlocked safe, in a poorly secured storage unit in the Valley, and there’s a few copies I’ve given to some friends for personal use,  I might have even accidentally mailed one to Vivid. But please! Don’t look at it! I’d be so embarrassed!”

Jusitn Bieber is Banging Hailey Baldwin, I’m Sure This Will Go Over Well

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Justin Beiber has made it official he is indeed putting his suspiciously large dick inside Hailey Baldwin when he posted the above pic of the pair on Sunday night. And since the entire Baldwin family and Justin are all known for their even temperaments and good judgement I’m sure this is a relationship bound for longevity and hopefully, murder-suicide.

“Now let’s flush all this New’s Year’s resolution shit about ‘making better choices’ down the toilet, and not use a condom.”

Image: Instagram

Miley Cyrus & Liam Hemsworth Might be Hooking Up Again; So Why Am I Still Fat?

The beginning of 2016 felt a lot like 2011, in that Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth appeared to be back together after ringing in the new year and getting caught being affectionate at some Australian music festival that I imagine involved a didgeridoo. Except then I looked around and saw I was still 40 lbs. heavier and unemployed, with two kids and that my life was essentially over.  Yeah, it’s 2016.

But enough bout me and the demise of my hopes and dreams, let us focus on the young and exhibitionistic. Since Miley spent 2015 parading her vagina around with Wayne Coyne in some kind of over-the-top Thai ping-pong show, let’s hope this rumor is true. It’s time someone wrestled Miley to the ground and stuffed that thing into some pants, and since Liam is Australian I’m sure he’s up for the task, it’ll be just like ‘gator hunting, but with more teeth.

Photo: Instagram

Nicki Minaj Performs for Angolan Dictator, Farts a Hole in Her Nylon

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I wouldn’t expect a person as vacuous and self-obsessed as Nicki Minaj to, you know, give a fuck about other people and their suffering,and my expectations we’re well met Saturday when Nicki traveled to Angola to perform at a holiday party hosted by Unitel, a telecom company controlled by the country’s ruthless dictator, José Eduardo, to the tune of $2 million.

Via Page6:

Dos Santos has ruled Angola since 1979, exerting control through rigged elections and suppression of dissent.

This year, his regime killed some 200 members of an opposition party and imprisoned 17 activists for reading about nonviolent resistance.

He stole at least $32 billion in oil revenue from his country, the International Monetary Fund alleges.

Nearly 70 percent of Angola’s 21 million citizens survive on less than $2 per day, and few have regular electricity.

In response to the outrage expressed over her receiving money most likely stolen from people who can’t afford one of her songs on itunes, Minaj posted the above picture of  her bejeweled backside. Let them eat ass!

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Because I’m more of a areola girl, the only thing I noticed in this picture was the hole right about where her butt hole should be. My scientific mind immediately knew the only thing that could have caused such destruction in a  well-made and expensive piece of nylon is gas. Explosive, acrid, hair-singing gas. And obviously, I’m a mature, well-adjusted adult who doesn’t make fun of celebrities to escape my family and ho-hum, unsatisfying existence.

Photo: Instagram Nickiminaj

Olivia Wilde: Child Porn Provacateur

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Perhaps that headline was a little overreaching, and since the entire internet has already weighed in on whether or not it was appropriate for Olivia Wilde to post the below picture of her naked son’s ass to her Instagram, I will keep this short. For the sake of disclosure, I am fond of baby butt’s, they’re all squishy, and cheesy, and cute, and as a matter of fact I’m looking at one right now; my youngest likes to take off her diaper and shit on the floor. So let’s hope I can wrap up this post before that happens.

So here’s the problem with posting nude pictures of your kids on the internet, and before you get all defensive and say “but it’s cute and innocent, and you’re sick to even think of it like that” remember: Even a person as inept with computers as myself could take a program like Microsoft Paint (Paint, dammit!)  and turn that image into something that would get me arrested in every country except Japan. Which means someone with skill and a professional version of Photoshop could turn your ‘cute’ picture into something that would make Jared Fogel ashamed to wank off to (but he still would.) I made a doodle using Paint to prove my point, but until CPS quits breathing down my neck, I thought it might not be a good idea to post it. Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a turd on my floor I have to clean up before the social worker arrives. Those people are so anal.

Image: Cristiano Del Riccio [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Instagram: oliviawilde