Melissa Ehteridge Doesn’t Approve of Angelina Jolie’s New Tits

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Lesbian rocker and qualified medical professional, Melissa Etheridge.

Because she’s had one song I can actually name and Lesbian Rock went out in the 90’s along with Lilith Fair, Melissa Etheridge needed to wade into the pool of relevancy by talking about the most important and hard-hitting piece of news this year: NSA wiretapping, Syrian civil war, Angelina Jolie’s tits.

While everyone else has fawned over Angelina’s decision to cut off the breasts that have nursed a million starving children and replace them with a pert new pair because of some shit about cancer or something, Melissa wants the world to know that she thinks Angelina’s a coward, a dirty, low-down, yellow-bellied coward for taking a preventive measure against a life-threatening disease. Yeah, put down that cup of antioxidant-rich green tea, fucking pussy:

“I wouldn’t call it the brave choice,” said Etheridge via the NYDN. “I actually think it’s the most fearful choice you can make when confronting anything with cancer.”
“My belief is that cancer comes from inside you and so much of it has to do with the environment of your body. It’s the stress that will turn that gene on or not,” Etheridge continued. “Plenty of people have the gene mutation and everything, but it never comes to cancer. So I would say to anybody faced with that, that choice is way down the line on the spectrum of what you can do and to really consider the advancements we’ve made in things like nutrition and stress levels.”

“I’ve been cancer-free for nine years now, and looking back, I completely understand why I got cancer,” Etheridge added. “There was so much acidity in everything. I really encourage people to go a lot longer and further before coming to that conclusion.”

So in retrospect, Melissa knows if she had just eaten better and not been so stressed out from all the muff-diving she did during the free-wheelin 90’s, she never would have gotten cancer in the first place. Now after extensive chemotherapy she doesn’t have cancer anymore. So see? She was right. It’s science people.

Image:Angela George [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

 

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Miss Utah Demonstrates Why We Need to Create Better Education

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It’s pageant time again, which means it’s time for another young lady with Vaseline on her teeth and dreams of gaining the prestigious title of Noble Laureate Miss America instead gets to become the laughing stock of the nation by displaying an inability to answer even the most simple of questions like “What did you eat for breakfast this morning?”

When asked by NeNe Leakes (I know) about the disparity between men and women’s pay and what it says about our society, Miss Utah, Marissa Powell, managed to demonstrate perfectly why such a disparity exists yet was unable to actually answer the question; instead giving a bumbling answer that ended with the phrase: “I think, especially the men are … um … seen as the leaders of this, and so we need to see how to … create education better. So that we can solve this problem. Thank you.”

The good news is that while I can’t tell you the name of the girl who actually won last night, I’ll remember the name ‘Miss Utah’ for at least another six hours or so.

George Lucas is Old & Confused

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Proving that he’s still as retarded and out of touch as he was when he decided to greenlight “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull,” George Lucas accidentally referenced the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) yesterday at the Daytime Emmy’s when what he really meant was the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) which gave him an award for his film about the Tuskegee Airmen, “Red Tails.”

Later, Lucas clarified his statements: “It was an honest mistake, they both have a lot of black people. Did I mention I wrote Star Wars?

Image: By Joi Ito from Inbamura, Japan [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Kanye Magically Appears to Deliver Kim Kardashian’s Baby

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Amidst allegations that Kanye West had sexual relations with 24-year-old model Leyla Ghobadi while Kim Kardashian was pregnant with his child, the couple have attempted to present a united front to the media as a demonstration of the strength of their relationship. And by that I mean Kanye flew to Switzerland to perform a surprise show on Wednesday at a Design Miami event during Art Basel in Switzerland, leaving Kim in Los Angeles to give birth any second, which is exactly what she did.

Kim delivered a baby girl at Cedars-Sinai on Saturday after going into labor on Friday, and “sources” claim that despite missing almost every other milestone in Kim’s pregnancy, Kanye was miraculously present, appearing like Jesus for the birth of his first child which I imagine went something like this:

” I know you’re a doctor and I’mma let you do you thing, but this is the greatest baby ever born. Now someone get me some forceps and a croissant.”

Justin Bieber’s Going to Space, And For the Last Time They’re Not Leaving Him There

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When I first read about this, I was hoping that the U.N was finally putting some of their *cough* influence to good use and ridding the world of Justin Bieber; hopefully, throwing in Kim-Jong Un and Bashar Assad in for good measure too.

Yes, I did just compare Justin Bieber to the world’s most tyrannical despots. No, that’s not the reason he’s going to space. Justin actually paid money to be the butt of numerous jokes about how everyone hopes he’ll be blasted into the Sun by a  Virgin Galactic commercial space flight. Via the Guardian:

Bieber and his manager Scooter Braun were revealed to have enrolled with the entrepreneur’s programme via the medium of Twitter. “‘Great to hear @justinbieber & @scooterbraun are latest @virgingalactic future astronauts. Congrats, see you up there!” tweeted Branson. Bieber replied: “Let’s shoot a music video in SPACE!!”

Perhaps witnessing the ghostly spectre of  Earth as she spins fragilely against the backdrop of space will give Justin some perspective and he’ll pull up his pants and stop acting like an insufferable twat. Or maybe the ship will blow up. Either way, it’s a win-win.

Image:Fame/Flynet

Kim Misses Kanye’s Birthday Party, But Don’t Worry, She Can Always Instagram Him

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Kanye West celebrated his 36th birthday on Saturday, and since his pregnant, soon-to-be-locked-in-the-custody-battle-of-the-century, baby mama, Kim Kardashian, is in Los Angeles, Kanye had his birthday party in New York. Because God knows nothing can ruin a good time like a pregnant woman.

But Kim and Kanye are soulmates and share such a deep, transcendental relationship that Kim knew she didn’t have to be there in person to wish him happy birthday or glare disapprovingly because she can’t drink or have fun, she simply instagrammed  the above photo collage of the couple during happier times with the deeply personal and private caption:  “Happy Birthday to my best friend, the ♥ of my life, my soul!!!! I love you beyond words!” to her 8,626,209 followers. I’m sure someone passed that along to him.

Paris Jackson Attempts Suicide, Fails

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Paris Jackson reacted exactly how I expected a 15-year-old to react if they’re we’re told they weren’t allowed to attend a Marilyn Manson concert: By slashing her wrists and downing a bunch of pills. You crazy kids and your cry-for-help suicide attempts. Whatever happened to doing drugs and getting pregnant by an older ex-con?

From TMZ:

Sources with an intimate knowledge of the situation tell TMZ … Michael Jackson’s daughter called a suicide hotline and the person on the other end was alarmed enough to call 911.

Our sources say in addition to cutting her right forearm, Paris had taken a large number of Motrin pills.

We’re told once Paris was taken by stretcher to an ambulance and then transported to a nearby hospital, she was placed under a 5150 psychiatric hold for 72 hours.

She received “numerous stitches” for the cut.

Paris “threw a fit” hours before her suicide attempt when she was told she wasn’t allowed to attend an Marilyn Manson show. We’re told she ran into her room screaming and slammed the door.

Obviously, this is a cry for help, who takes Motrin to kill themselves? And a meat cleaver? Talk about dramatic. Considering Paris was raised by a man who was quite literally a zombie in a drug-induced, waking coma knowing which drugs might actually kill you and which ones won’t  shouldn’t be too hard to figure out. Propofol anyone? Sorry, too soon.

Image:By Paris Michael Jackson (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons